I shouldn’t have to tell you this as the title says it all, but this article is backed by hard science and not at all put together by some whacky justification by yours truly. This is a completely objective, very serious piece of literature that I hope you all take extremely seriously.
But have you ever wondered what types of candy the Chargers’ best players would be? You have? Well, wonderful. You’ll absolutely love the nonsense below.
Justin Herbert: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Herbert is a big deal in the NFL and everyone — not just Chargers fans — want to see him succeed. He’s become a brand name and people want his face associated with their prodicts. Traeger Grills quickly scooped him up after it came out that he loves to smoke brisket after each win. Dr. Squatch made him the face of their artisan soap brand. Heck, he even partnered with “milk” which is somehow really on brand for him, as well.
Reese’s is one of the best and most-popular candies on the market. It sponsors a lot, including the Senior Bowl which is the country’s premiere college football all-star game.
Chargers fans cannot get enough of their star quarterback, which is not different from people not being satisfied with just one peanut butter cup. You have to get the size with two or three cups or else you’ll be longing for more the second you’re done eating.
Austin Ekeler: Skor
I thought about this one pretty hard before it became painfully obvious. When there’s a candy literally called “SKOR” out there, I just had to do it. Ekeler shook off three lackluster performances to bounce back with eight touchdowns over his past four games. He’s averaging just under 130 total yards from scrimmage per game in that span has been the majority of the Chargers offense so far this season.
Keenan Allen: M&Ms
Allen has been known to gobble up targets throughout his NFL career. Fans have become so accustomed to him racking up 100+ catches a season that sometimes it’s easy to forget just how many looks he’s receiving throughout the season. For this reason, I had to compare Allen to the classic candy M&Ms. Similar to his targets, it’s easy to lose track of just how many little candy bits you’ve tossed into your mouth if you aren’t careful.
Khalil Mack: Crunch
When you think about what Mack does on the football field, it always tends to end with a loud “CRUNCH” sound. So, here we are. Mack is easily a Crunch bar and that’s definitely a good thing. This is one of the best candies that no one talks about and it deserves more recognition from the public than it usually gets. You can have your Butterfingers and your Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, I’ll take the this under-the-radar candy every day and twice on Sunday.
Derwin James: Snickers
James has been a focal point of the Chargers defense since he was drafted in 2018. He does just about everything on the field aside from playing defensive tackle. After fighting through a string of bad injury luck, he became a bonafide leader on the unit and now calls the plays for the group as the wearer of the green dot. Basically, the Chargers defense isn’t the Chargers defense without him, similar to the Snickers motto of, “You’re not you when you’re hungry.”