Here it is, guys. Peak offseason writing.
In the wake of the recent holiday, I decided to have a little fun and try my hand at comparing current Chargers players to the popular Valentine’s Day candy that the masses will purchase in bulk to take advantage of the day after-discount. Whether to fill a nagging sweet-tooth or to fill the void left by a recent love lost, chocolate is always the answer.
Philip Rivers: Hershey’s Chocolate Bar
A true classic. As timeless as anything in the candy and sweets world. Like Rivers, the original Hershey bar will never get old. Just when you think you’re over the traditional candy wrapped in that shimmering silver casing, you take one out of the bowl at your grandparent’s house and take a bite, just be to reminded of how it stills stands with the best of them all these years later.
Antonio Gates: Hershey’s Kiss
The Hersey’s Kiss is almost as timeless as its’ chocolate bar counterpart. Over the years, the delicate morsel has changed in several ways from it’s original form. It’s definitely not the same candy as it was back in the day when it garnered all of its’ respect and loyalty, however. Within the last few years, we have seen the chocolate and vanilla swirl version, the caramel swirl version, and the recent Pumpkin Spice abomination, among others.
Like Gates, we’ve gotten a few different versions of the future hall-of-fame tight end over the last couple seasons. It’s obvious that he isn’t the same old Gates from ten years ago, but he can still get the job done. And if you’re anything like me, you can eat a good amount of these bad boys and still find yourself reaching for another, and another. Similar to the team, just when they think they’ve had enough of #85, they just keep going back into the bowl for more.
Melvin Ingram: Heart Shaped Box of Chocolates
In the same way that a box full of chocolate is full of potential and various flavors, so is Ingram but substitute “flavors” for natural athletic abilities.
You can open up one of these boxes and see a plethora of treats before you. You can also grab the very first piece and bite into it, only to retreat in distaste as the morsel in your mouth wound up being a maple syrup chunk instead of the velvety raspberry truffle you had your heart set out on from the very beginning.
This past season, Ingram was a tad more inconsistent than the fans would have liked. There were several games where Ingram didn’t have the impact the team needed, especially through the first half of the season when Joey Bosa was sidelined. He had six total games where he only had a single tackle, four of those came during the eight-game stretch without the Big Bear.
Just like Forrest Gump used to say, “(Melvin Ingram) is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.”
Or something like that.
Keenan Allen: Bag of Valentine’s M&Ms
Allen is one of the best receivers in the NFL. It’s only right that his candy pairing is also one of the best treats in the entire candy world. People eat them by the bag-full, big or small.
One could say that, in the same way that people gobble up dozens and dozens of M&Ms in a single sitting, Allen gobbles up targets and catches like a depressed single on the night of February 13th. Over 199 catches over the last two seasons isn’t too shabby, huh?
And for what it’s worth, Peanut M&Ms are the best kind of M&Ms and I will hear nothing else about the matter.
Derwin James: A hilarious and cheesy Valentine’s Day Meme
Yeah, yeah, it’s not a candy but it’s a Valentine’s Day tradition that every single person can enjoy and, quite frankly, they can’t get enough of. I mean, come on, look at this:
Our annual #NFL Valentines Day cards drop on Monday! pic.twitter.com/XWcffGxBE7— 4th and JAWN (@4thandJawn) February 7, 2019
It was more than evident this past season that the fans and the entire nation couldn’t get enough of the versatile rookie safety out of Florida State.
Oh yeah, that word “versatile” should be emphasized quite a bit. James played all but the interior defensive line during his rookie season, making him one of the most dangerous Swiss Army knife-type players in the league. When it comes to the hilarious meme, there is no end in sight with what you can do. You can relate it to anybody, anything, and any situation. Sounds awfully familiar to James’ usage in 2018...
Jahleel Addae: The Disgusting Chalky Valentine’s Day Hearts
I don’t think there is a match more made in heaven than this one right here.
I’m not going to delve into Addae’s 2018 season because that would just ruin everyone’s Friday and I don’t want to be that guy.
This one is self-explanatory. No one likes it. No one knows why they keep them around.
However, I just recently learned that this year was supposedly the first year in almost a century that they decided to NOT make these little conversation hearts. Well, if that’s any sort of sign, maybe the Chargers will take a hint and dispose of a presence that only makes the team worse, in the same vein that the hearts add nothing to the holiday and only bum out the people unfortunate enough to receive this treat on February 14th.