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NFL Picks: The Most Interesting Gambler in the World

“I don’t always take Chargers. But when I do, I prefer value.”

Hey, how’s it going?

What’s a nice looking blog-reader like you doing in a place like this? Well, make yourself at home. You’re probably here to gather some wisdom from our most famous patron, aren’t you? You pronounced that pa-trone, didn’t you? Heh. You’ll do just fine here. You’re not the first today.

The guy you’re looking for is over there in the corner. That’s right, him over there.

They used to call him all kinds of things. The Degenerate Gambler, that’s what most knew him as. Some know him as the Most Interesting Gambler In the World. Some people call him a Sports Cowboy. Some people call him Maurice.

Everything’s changed for him, and I think I have a good idea why.

Last week didn’t go quite by-the-book, but for about 53 minutes it was pretty close to exactly what Maur—err, the Degenerate Gambler predicted. This week, word around the bar is that Mr. Interesting is ripe to lay another $100 on the Bolts.

Sure, he’s had good weeks before, but he was real, real close to having a great one. Usually that’s enough to set him down a spiral, but he... he’s handling it remarkably well. We’re still selling about the same number of drinks, so I guess it’s all the same here to the bar owner.

With all of the commotion as of late, we’ve started putting his wagers up here and keeping track of things. Go ahead, take a look>>

Wild Card: Chargers @ Ravens

  • Wager 1 Chargers moneyline $30 [+115] W +$34.50
  • Wager 2 Total Points - Ravens (<22.5) $15 [-115] W +$13.04
  • Wager 3 Highest scoring half (2nd+OT) $20 [-120] W +$16.67
  • Wager 4 Chargers score every quarter $20 [+325] L
  • Wager 5 Receiving Yards - A. Gates (>15.5) $15 [-130] W +$11.54

TOTAL: +$55.75

That’s right, he just about aced the entire lineup! In fact, the only wager he missed on was a ridiculous +325 bet. I guess that’s why some folks have been asking about him lately. I’m guessing that a bunch of these guys think he’ll buy a round of drinks if he get all bets right, but I can tell you right now that there’s a fat chance of that.

But that Wager 4? You have no idea how close he came.

The Chargers were the only ones scoring 1st and 2nd quarters. They had a few chances in the third, and then they finally had the ball on the 1 yard line near the end of the third thanks to a great Melvin Gordon run. Then Derek Watt got stifled. And the quarter ended.

They scored within 15 seconds of the 4th quarter.

I’ve never seen him so calm after a bad beat before. Usually he orders a heavier drink and before long we’ve got to make sure our mop is near by.

MGIII punched it in two plays into the 4th quarter (on 4th down, mind you) and Mike Williams took in a 2-point conversion. That’s a lot of scoring to be just seconds from a big pay day.

But he took it well. Too well! He’s not been the same since! He’s ice cold, calm as a cucumber. It’s like he knows what’s coming now. Nothing can shake the guy, I tell ya.

That’s the life of a Gambler, I guess. You get used to winning, and you get used to losing. The only uncomfortable thing is not having anything on the line at all.

I just figured it would sting my man a bit harder than normal because he was inches away from acing the whole week (oh, and more than doubling his take last week, as that would’ve added $65.00 more cheddar on top of his winburger).

But he’s on top of the world now, because he’s positive the Bolts are going to win big again. That doesn’t mean much unless, as fate would have it, they’re genuine, bonafide underdogs again. Maybe he’s confident, or maybe the pressure’s finally rattled off his anxiety switch.

Either way, he just posted his bets for this week. He’s not waiting for the silly props that he used to love.

Divisional: Chargers @ Patriots

  • Wager 1 Chargers moneyline $30 [+165]
  • Wager 2 Chargers Alt-Line (-2.5) $30 [+185]
  • Wager 3 Chargers Total (>20.5) $40 [-125]

Total potential win: +$137.00

Total potential loss: Everything, you know the drill.

Like I told the crowd a bit earlier when he posted that- There’s some good news for you Chargers fans out there: Both of you are going to be having a good week if the Gambler is at all correct!

That always gets ‘em riled up.

But it definitely looks like he is buying the hype in this team— they are a very good football crew, but our chef, Mac, he’s a Boston boy. He knows the Patriots do just one thing in January: They win. The Pats’ biggest strengths this week are special teams and home field advantage. Mac says Cordarrelle Patterson can single-handedly change the game, and the Chargers can look forward to a real frigid reception in Foxborough (the folks there probably won’t be real nice, either).

Yeah, Mac knows there is a reason the Chargers are underdogs this week: The Patriots win these exact games. For my money, though (and Philip Rivers agrees), there is no Chargers team better equipped and better-suited to get this 0-7 monkey off their back. That Rivers is an animal. The guy played with a torn ACL against Brady in ‘08, and he was one of the healthier guys on the Chargers’ squad that day.

I tell ya, the Chargers have the weapons, the mojo, the moxie, and the faith to pull this off. It’s up to degenerates like our very own Gambler to recognize that and, of course, try and turn it into a healthy profit, ‘cause these drinks don’t buy themselves.

I like how Mr. Interesting split his bet into a standard moneyline and an alt-line bet, just in case this game does come down to a converted kick. Mac won’t shut up about the refs for a week either way, that I guar-an-tee you.

Listen, you’re the kind of nice folk that the boss wants us to keep around here. I’ll let you know something I overhead from the Degenerate Gambler earlier today: As the prop bets begin to trickle in again, keep an eye on Antonio Gates. The return of Hunter Henry means that Gates is bound to be overlooked, and he’s more motivated than ever to take it to the house this week. You heard it here first, champ.

Hey, the way I figure it, you don’t need to actually bet to enjoy the thrills this week. We do our best business when it’s a tough match, like this looks to be. There’ll be plenty of suds for the win, and plenty more for the loss. I’m just glad our Gambler isn’t trying to sell kidneys or anything this week.

-Jason “Stay positive, my friends” Michaels