‘Twas the night before football, when all through the camp
Not a player was stirring, excepting Forrest Lamp.
The jerseys were hung in the lockers with care,
in hopes that a trophy would soon comfort them there.
The coaches still plotted the X’s and O’s,
in hopes Kansas City would succumb to all those.
The linemen all slumbered snug in their beds,
unaware of the plotting of a certain Big Red.
When out in the kitchen there arose such a clatter,
even beat writers gasped when they saw the whole matter.
When what to their wondering eyes should appear,
but a coach with a mustache, and microphone gear.
When Hayward woke up, he charged the great scene,
but the man in red did not appear quite so mean.
“What do you mean, waking us up in the night??”
Asked a drowsy Mike Pouncey, eager to fight.
“Let’s hear him out,” Coach Lynn enunciated,
but the gathering crowd was getting quite agitated.
“Where’s Rivers? He’s never once stayed quite this mute.”
But their quarterback was only half through his commute.
“Now don’t be hasty, I’ve come here in kindness!”
Said the portly figure, though patience was minus.
“We’ve been best of foes, to that I will toast,
and one of us will surely be ruling the coast.”
“I’ve heard enough!” Melvin Gordon exclaimed,
“You’ve run out your clock, and your outfit is lame.”
“Now don’t be rude!” Geno Smith shouted back.
Then shielded his chin, in case of attack.
“Now, as I was saying, yes, tomorrow we duel.”
Said the jolly red man, though he seemed quite the fool.
“But I’ve a gift for your team, believe me I do;
this was my last stop on my way through.”
“After speaking with all of the Raiders’ top brass,
I convinced them to go with Gruden’s hot @**!
And Mack? LOL! Enough of his play,
so I called the Bears, and poof, now he’s gone away!”
“I see you still doubt my eternal good will,
perhaps the Broncos will help seal the deal.
I’m afraid I played a bit of a Grinch,
when I scared them into passing any return on Lynch.”
The players all stood there, with shock in their eyes,
what nefarious deed might be their surprise?
“But fear not, I only act as an agent of parity!”
The Jolly red man was coming to clarity.
“As the cream of the crop, I had to make a maneuver,
so I traded away Smith, that game managing loser.
It was faith, I believe, and again it came true,
that the Chargers would do the things that they do.”
“So I came wishing luck to you and your team,
because all of these changes aren’t quite as extreme.
As losing Henry, and Bosa, and all south of L-A,
And always being snakebitten, regardless of play.”
And he sprang down the hall, before they knew what think,
and deeper the man’s words began now to sink.
If overcoming odds is what keeps the game fair,
It’s time to beat the hurdles that come with the cool of fall air.
-Jason “Unseasonably Festive” Michaels