This is bad, diary. This is really bad. We’ve got our first ever Los Angeles Chargers home game on Sunday, but there are still tickets left. Why is no-one interested? We had the best
propaganda team $20 and a soda could buy Marketing & PR team in the business working on our appeal in L.A. It just doesn’t make sense. Have the fans not heard about how intimate and cozy it’s going to be? No, that’s ridiculous. They must have heard. We fired all the employees who forgot to talk about how intimate and cozy it’s going to be.
We’ve won 9 out of our 32 games in the last two years. That’s a winning percentage of 28%! That’s really good, I think. Mike McCoy only scored 27% on the Turing Test he took, so it must be good.
Could... could the problem possibly be me, diary? Do fans maybe not trust me when I talk about intimacy? No, that’s ridiculous. What possible reason would anybody have to not trust me? Honestly, people, I know intimacy. Why, just this morning, my children called me ‘sir’ and saluted as I left the house to go to work. How moving! It nearly brought a tear to my eye.
I don’t know what else we can do to make people want to come to games. Tom Telesco suggested that I send every single Season Ticket Holder the best gift I could think of as a token of appreciation. I did that, but then he had the nerve to ask why I was signing 20,000 pictures of myself. Make up your mind, Tom.
Anyway, we eventually settled on a Philip Rivers jersey for each fan. Honestly, I don’t even really care if the fans like them or not. I got all the joy I needed from seeing the looks on the faces of Philip’s children when I told him we were going to need their jerseys. The best part is, we only had to actually make about ten more.
Speaking of Tom, he had the audacity to come into my office and ask if we could please cut Sean McGrath. I must have told him this a thousand times, but McGrath can’t go anywhere. Rams owner and my best friend Stan Kroenke hasn’t been returning my calls lately, and I’ve been missing him terribly. McGrath’s beard is just so comforting. Sometimes, when I touch it, I feel a bit of a prick, but oh well. That’s not a new feeling for me.
I’ve got to go now, diary. I need to think about what we’re going to do with these unsold tickets. The Jaguars owner gave 5,000 tickets to Emergency Workers and victims of Hurricane Irma, but that puts me in a real pickle. I’d love to give the tickets away, but on the other hand, that would mean doing something good. I think I’m just going to have to pay some talentless losers $10 each to come to the game and cheer on the Chargers.
Does anybody have the number for the Cincinnati Bengals?