Thank goodness this 'Franchise Tag' nonsense is done with for another year. The idea of it is enough to make me break out into a cold sweat at night. I feel quite ill just writing about it. I think I need to take some Aspirin to calm myself down. Only one, though. Can't be wasteful - those things cost money!
Tom Telesco convinced me to franchise tag Melvin Ingram. That's all well and good, but he's not the one having to pay over $16 million upfront! It's asinine. I'm not made of money! If I had the kind of money where I could just part with $16 million no questions asked, we'd still be playing in San Dieg -
Hahahahahah! I got you there, diary! No, don't be stupid. We'd still be in Stubhub, but I'd just be $16 million better off. There's a lot you could do with that kind of money. I'd probably be able to find a way to part with enough of it to hire coaches who are almost competent. Oh well. Our medical department and their magic sponges have never failed us yet!
I've heard rumors that Melvin might try to claim that he's a DE, which would mean spending even more money on the franchise tag! I'm not going to stand for that. Luckily, diary, I've thought of a plan - being the genius that I am, naturally.
Ingram's case will take a while to get heard in court, which means he'll be with us for training camp. All I'm going to do is cut down on the amount of food the players are given - to none. Not only will I not have to pay any money on stupid luxuries like food and drink, but Ingram is going to claim that he's a DE when he weighs about 200 pounds! A 200 pound DE? I've never heard of anything so ridiculous! Next, you'll be telling me that someone in the NFL has hired an HC who's only ever done the job for one game - and lost!
I could probably do with going on the 'Melvin Ingram' diet as well actually, diary. It's not that I'm overweight, but I need to look my best for Stan.
Something that should work in our favor is that John Pagano played Melvin in coverage so much last season. I don't know if it worked (Why on earth would I actually watch our games?), but you can't be a DE if you're covering TE's a lot of the time. John's a really good guy. I'm glad he's our DC. Or is he? Wait, did we fire him? I can't remember. There's a bald man in his office who smiles a lot, but I thought that John might have just evolved like my favorite Pokemon do.
I caught a Rattata the other day! I didn't think they were any good, but Tom reassured me that they were really good. He said that you don't need to be well known or highly thought of to perform well, and said something about a Weddle. Does he mean Weedle?
I then heard him mutter 'Jesus Christ' under his breath and slap his head against the wall. Have I caught the reincarnation of our Lord and Saviour?
Oh... I hope Stan doesn't see this! I'm not allowed to worship false idols. I should probably go before I get myself in any more trouble, diary. I'll just blame it on San Diego if the worst comes to the worst. It's worked before.
Lots of love, Diary,