Dean Spanos Diaries: Super Bowl Edition

Dear Diary,

Wow, what a game! I can't believe what I just watched. Who knew there was such a thing as a fourth quarter? I could have sworn games were made up of three periods. I guess it's a rule they change for the Superbowl or something, which means I never have to worry about it.

My party didn't exactly go to plan, unfortunately. I called my best friend Stan 37 times and sent him 81 texts, but he never responded and didn't show up. I guess he was busy. Tom showed up, which was great, but he somewhat ruined the party by spending the entire game on the phone to the new Colts GM Chris Ballard asking if he had any players who aren't good enough for the NFL, but who were there at the same time he was. I can't wait to discover the next Griff Whalen.

Tom brought Mike McCoy as his +1. I thought that might be a little awkward, but luckily Mike spent the entire game sitting in a corner with a pillow on his lap, mumbling that the Falcons were scoring too much and not punting enough. It looks like he was right in the end. Maybe I should bring him back?

Talking of coaches, I'm starting to dislike Gus Bradley - which is exactly why we never officially hired him, just like we never officially fired John Pagano. I'll just send out a tweet saying that John can come back. That should sort it out.

Nothing proves how great this franchise is like last night. We're true innovators of the sport. We beat the Falcons earlier this season, and they clearly decided they needed to learn from the best if they were to win the big game, which is why they let the Patriots make the biggest comeback in Superbowl history. I'm so proud.

We actually interviewed Matt Patricia, the Patriots DC, for our vacant HC job. Sure, we passed him over in favor of an RB coach who's gone 0-1 as an HC, but it's all part of the Spanos' master plan. See, Matt didn't end up getting an HC job this year, which means he's going to have another year to learn from the best. Whatever our record this season - even if we go 14-2 - we're going to fire Lynn at the end of it, and then Matt can join us as our new HC for the 2018 season. I hope my coupon for 20% off won't expire before then.

Personally, as good as the Superbowl was, I can't help but feel that the NFL missed a trick by not playing it at a small stadium like Stubhub. It would have been more intimate, and... hold on. I forgot what other lies we told people about Stubhub. Cosy? Modern? Something like that.

Joey Bosa won DROTY, but he forgot to thank me in his speech. That upset me, diary, I won't lie to you. Does he really think that he would have had anywhere near as good a season as he did if we had actually paid him what he deserved straight away instead of making him miss the first four games of the season? Ridiculous. Kids these days have no respect.

I have to go now, diary. Stan's back isn't going to massage itself. He's such a great guy. I wonder if he got that picture I sent him of us together?

See you soon, diary.

Dean Spanos.