In honor of the butt kicking the Chargers gave to the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving, I decided to let everyone get everyone riled up not only by my Chargers takes but also how I feel about certain foods. Apologies if I offend anyone who genuinely, truly, honestly likes green beans.
Turkey: Philip Rivers
This one is fairly obvious. Thanksgiving Turkey is the focal point of the meal in the same way Rivers is the focal point of the Chargers offense. Both at times appear dry and (over)cooked, dragging everything else down with them. However, when it’s good, everything else can be bad and you’ll still be happy. Everyone including your mother-in-law has an idea of how it could be better, and when your racist uncle carves a bad turkey, people get up in arms about an offensive line.
Stuffing: Denzel Perryman
How about a little irony for the holiday season. Denzel literally stuffs opponents in the backfield every game. Stuffing isn’t for everyone, but when it’s not there the entire meal is lacking. While stuffing may not save a poor meal, it greatly amplifies a good one.
Mashed Potatoes: Joey Bosa
No, Joey Bosa is not the mashed potatoes because he is white. Joey Bosa is the mashed potatoes because you can always count on him. Mashed potatoes often get overthought and people try to get all fancy with it, even passing over it a few times when making their plate. Not needed. Keep it plain and simple and use all the mashed potatoes you can handle till you’re so full the only thing left to do is shrug.
Gravy: Melvin Ingram
The Chargers edge rushers are the best thing since, you guessed it, mashed potatoes and gravy. Unlike stuffing, gravy can (and consistently does) save a poor meal from disaster. In fact, it’s so good, sometimes you don’t think you even need a turkey. Some defensive coordinators don’t like their two best foods to touch, or even want them on the same side of their plate. New family member Gus Bradley can be seen pouring gravy all over his mashed potatoes until someone lets him be a head coach again.
Cranberry Sauce: Nick Novak
Every year people buy Cranberry Sauce and it continually underwhelms. In 2014, The Chargers swore off Cranberry sauce for good but brought it back just to realize it was gross again. Occasionally you have some and you’re like, “Hey, that was okay I guess, maybe I’ll let the cranberry sauce play a bigger role on my plate.” A few seconds later you pause as the aftertaste has a weird kick to it. Oh well, now you’re stuck and there’s no good way to get rid of it.
Green Bean Casserole: Melvin Gordon
Melvin is like your Aunts famous green bean casserole that everyone in the world shoves down your throat 1-yard at a time until you lie to yourself and say it’s good. I guess given enough of it there are some good bites in their, but I prefer my food to be consistently good every time. Sorry, Auntie-ny Lynn, I think I’ll pass this time.
Candied Yams: Trevor Williams and Austin Ekeler
Year after Year people make a plate and pass over the yams because no one knows what they are. Is it a vegetable? A dessert? Who cares, it’s good and nobody else wants it. This Chargers team would be quite different without the hard-working additions of Ekeler and Williams, and people still don’t give them the respect they deserve. Trevor “sweet potato” Williams, as I’ve always called him, would be sweet on its own, but the addition of mini-marshmallow Ekelers makes it all the better.
Store-bought Pumpkin Pie: Casey Hayward
Let's go to the store, spend a valuable first round pick on the ingredients to make a pumpkin pie, tirelessly slave over it hoping it develops, and pray everyone likes it. Or you can let someone from Green Bay do all of that for you, hand it over to you for a bargain, let you tell everyone you made it yourself, and laugh as everyone asks for your recipe. This pie does nothing but create turnovers, go figure.