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The Declaration of Free Agency for Chargers Fans Everywhere

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With profound apologies to Thomas Jefferson, our Texas correspondent offers up a rationale for Bolts fans everywhere to become free agents.

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

When in the course of our human lives it becomes necessary for one group of fans to dissolve the emotional bonds which have connected them with a team, and to assume among all the other fans in the nation a separate and unconnected existence to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God allow them to have, a decent respect for the hot sports take of the day requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self -€” evident, that all fans are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Pride, Hope, and Entertaining Football. -€” That to secure these rights, teams are instituted within the NFL, deriving their just revenues from the attention of the fans, - That whenever any team becomes destructive of those ends, it is the right of the fans to alter or abolish their allegiance and to institute a new loyalty, choosing a team or teams as to them shall seem most likely to create for them Joy and Happiness during Football Season.

Prudence indeed will dictate that fan loyalties long established should not be abandoned for light and transient causes or some years (or decades) of bad football; and accordingly all experience (particularly in Cleveland) hath shewn that fankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by ignoring the team to which they are accustomed.  But when a long train of incompetence, dysfunction, and greed, pursuing invariably the same goal evinces the Object of being complete Mercenary Douche Bags with no concern for the product on the field or the affections of the team's Fans, it is their right, it is their duty, to change the channels on their TV's from such a team and establish new loyalties and pay attention to another team for their future sanity.

Such has been the patient sufferance of Charger fans; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their allegiances.  The history of the present Owner of the San Diego Chargers is a history of repeated dysfunction and incompetence all having in direct object the establishment of a perpetual Dumpster Fire of the team, embarrassment for its fans and Heartless Mooning of the City in which it has called home since 1961.  To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He is the latest conductor of a 53-year run bereft of a championship, with no end in sight.

He has terminated head coaches with 14-2 records, while retaining coaches with a 4-12 record.

He has twice fired capable head coaches while retaining in one case a disinterested, semi-retired General Manager and in the second case a bombastic, power -€” hungry blowhard; neither of which were competent at that point in their careers.

He has repeatedly strong -€” armed the City of San Diego, my hometown, with demands for ticket guarantees, stadium renovations, sweetheart lease deals, and revenue slices to be retained for His Own Personal Luxuries.

He has allowed the stadium in which His team plays in to become a decrepit pit that even the most masochistic fan cannot enjoy.

He and His Family has squandered the careers of Rivers, Gates, Tomlinson, Seau, and Fouts by not building an organization that could put pieces around those Hall of Fame players that could win a championship.

He has practiced nepotism with key front-office personnel, instead of hiring the best talent available for those positions, which has contributed to poor scouting and personnel operations; resulting in disastrous drafts, free-agent signings, and the premature departure of players that may have contributed to wins.

He has threatened his loyal fans with abandonment in one-sided negotiations with the City of San Diego, using the loyalty and affection of the local fans of the team as a cheap bargaining chip in negotiations for an outrageous sum of corporate welfare; in essence, He has pimped every one of his local fans out to the local politicians in exchange for money.

He has not negotiated in good faith with the City of San Diego, while telling the league that He can't get anything done in San Diego.

His 2016 team lost to the 0-14 Cleveland Browns, looking like the poorer team while doing so.

He has stated his intention to remove from San Diego the NFL franchise of America's Finest City, a local treasure for 22 years prior to his father buying the team and a part of life in this city for 56 years.

Adding insult to the injury of removing our team from its home of 56 years, is the destination of the team; 100 miles up the coast to bloated, phony mega-city filled with the bloated egos of phony people; a city that any and all Native San Diegans despise before they are even capable of speech.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury (and injuries). An Owner, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define an incompetent, is unfit to be the owner of a team that has in many ways, from Gilman to Coryell, helped shape the NFL into the Greatest Game On Earth that it is today.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to city leaders of San Diego. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to pay mere lip service to keeping the Chargers in San Diego. We have reminded them of the fact that we vote, too. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to keep the team where it belongs. They too have been too often deaf to the voice of those of us that live for Autumn Sundays watching our favorite team play as representatives of our home or adopted town. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as accountable as we hold the Owner.  At least with them, we can vote in another set of Scoundrels to sit in the overstuffed chairs of City Hall.

I, therefore, a Representative of Charger Fans Everywhere, as Fully Assembled as possible on this website, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of my intention, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the like-minded fans of the San Diego Chargers, solemnly publish and declare, That we Fans are, and of Right ought to be Free Agents, that we are Absolved from all Allegiance to any abomination known as the Los Angeles Chargers (or whatever the team will be known as if it is rebranded), and that all commercial and emotional connection between us fans and the NFL Franchise owned by Alex G. Spanos, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free Agent Fans, we have full Power to buy another team's gear, root for other teams, root against the Spanos owned franchise, watch whichever game we want to on Sundays, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Fans may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, I unilaterally pledge to a team to be determined later my Sunday Afternoons, my NFL Sunday Ticket Package, and my Curiosity of finding out what rooting for a well-run team might feel like.