Super Serious Chargers Power Rankings (Preseason Edition)

These are my weekly Chargers Power Rankings. They should be taken very seriously.

Here are some good Chargers (from best to less best):

1) Melvin Gordon (Last Week: Not Ranked). Two touchdowns? And no fumbles? Sure, it’s only preseason, but hopefully Melvin got some mojo heading into the real games. Put me down for a seat on the MG28 bandwagon.

2) Philip Rivers (LW: 1). In light of recent quarterback developments in Minnesota, it’s nice to have a healthy No. 1 signal caller. Like really, really nice. Let’s all light a candle for Philip.

3) Corey Liuget (NR). Two tackles and a sack for Liuget against the Vikings on Sunday. That’s defensive line production! Those are unicorn statistics around these parts, like an Uber driver who is originally from San Diego.

4) Tyrell Williams (NR). With James Jones released, Williams seems to have locked down the No. 3 wide receiver job. Just two years ago, he was getting ready for a Western Oregon Wolves road game at Portland State. A Division II school, Western Oregon also played Simon Fraser (in British Columbia) and Humboldt State (twice!) that year.

5) Football Outsiders (NR). Aaron Schatz of that service has the Chargers as the league’s most underrated team and a worst-to-first candidate. (Related: The Chargers have 80-1 odds to win the Super Bowl and 38-1 odds to win the AFC).

6) Drew Kaser (NR). Commenter recommended from a week ago because of his nickname. I definitely want to hear Kevin Harlan yell from my TV, “BOOM! It’s a KASER BEAM!” I like Kevin Harlan’s exuberance.

7) Dexter McCoil (NR). Forced a fumble against Minnesota. Is McCoil a Canada-to-the-NFL success story? He won the CFL’s Most Outstanding Rookie Award in 2014, with 73 tackles, six interceptions and four sacks. I’m guessing the Metairie, Louisiana native likes being a San Diego Charger more than an Edmonton Eskimo, for lots of reasons (including: their uniforms are a shameless Packers ripoff).

8) Mike Bercovici (LW: 8) Was 4-for-12 with two interceptions against the Vikings. Most likely told to play poorly so he can now be stashed on the practice squad. Good strategy, Chargers. (This is what I choose to believe).

9) Joey Bosa (LW: -5). Would prefer that he help stop the run. Sacks are a bonus.

10) New stadiums (NR). Aren’t they cool? The new Minnesota yard looked nice, but does it have a retro, yellow-lighted scoreboard that makes you concentrate on the field because you can’t see the replays? Thought not.

Here are some bad Chargers (from worst to less worst):

1) Dean Spanos (Last Week: -1). Last week, the Chargers owner made his case for the team’s convadium project in a first-person account in the Union-Tribune. In it, he expressed that owning a sports team is not “a conventional business” and that it’s really about “bringing people together.” It’s true, there is an aspect of public trust between fans and a sports franchise. But what line did the Chargers and their surrogates peddle when they wanted to move to Los Angeles? It’s a business. And now that the team wants a huge bond offering for a downtown stadium? Not a “conventional” business. ... Look, you can’t have it both ways. Say it’s a business, so that way you won’t look like a greedy billionaire asking for corporate welfare. Because, going one step further, if you do believe it’s about bringing people together, then asking for hundreds of millions of public dollars to line your own pockets is morally wrong.

2) Achilles tendon injuries (NR). I never again want to see a TV replay like the one showing Branden Oliver injuring his Achilles. Let’s all light a candle for Branden.

3) Injured Reserve (NR). As of August 31, there are 14 Chargers on the IR, including about seven players who stood a reasonable shot of making the team. I feel bad for a guy like Brock Hekking, who will spend his first two NFL seasons on IR.

4) Run defense (NR). This defensive front has not looked good and has been worse going deeper into the depth chart. Kansas City’s Spencer Ware may be a sleeper add in weekly fantasy leagues in Game 1 (he averaged 8.7 yards per carry with two TDs in Week 11 here last year).

5) John Spanos (LW: -4). Said he wouldn’t do anything differently in the Bosa negotiations. Really? Because that two-week window of silence seems fairly counterproductive. Might want to re-think that.

6) Adrian Phillips (NR). Oh man, he got shook hard by Teddy Bridgewater on national television on Sunday. I bet that doesn’t feel good.

7) Kellen Clemens (-9). Another spotty effort from the veteran against Minnesota, going 9-for-15 for 77 yards and a lost fumble.

8) Visors (NR). That old saying about losing 80% of the heat through your head? It’s a myth. You don’t need to have a visor here in sunny San Diego to keep yourself cool. Visors are for dorky golfers. Wear a hat.

9) Kevin Burkhardt and John Lynch (NR). Fox TV announcers on Sunday talked up a new stadium in San Diego like they were reading from a Chargers press release. Good job, corporate shills!

10) New stadiums (NR). Taxpayer money could flow to real problems or to a billionaire owner who could build a stadium himself. Why is this a question?