Let’s put the 4-12 season in the rearview mirror and look forward to this season. Last year seemed to be a huge surprise to many of us, as it was as excited as we’d been about a roster in a long time, and the Chargers ended up doing worse than they have in a long time. This year, that’s all going to change.
Denzel Perryman will lead the AFC West in tackles and make the pro bowl. He is definitely capable of a 100+ tackle season, and after a 73 tackle season, he will shoot into fame in his second season. With Brandon Mebane soaking up blocks on the inside, it will give Perryman the space he needs to run downhill and rack up the tackles for a loss. This will make a huge impact on our run game this season, and we’ll go from 27th in rushing defense to 15th, and will sigh save John Pagano’s job once again. The addition of Joey Bosa will also help.
Joey Bosa will sign his rookie contract within the days between the last preseason game and the first regular season game, but will not actually play a game until week 3. Mike McCoy will don his visor and talk about how we put the team in the best position to win each week, and will start Darius Philon for the first two weeks, who will struggle, and fans will demand Joey Bosa get on the field. Cheryl Bosa will accidentally comment on a post on facebook and say that her son should have pulled a Tim Tebow and gone to the MLB (where he, Tebow, will once again fail to stick). Once Joey is on the field, he’ll be an average starter and get 40 tackles, and four sacks. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The AFC West will have three teams in the playoffs. The Chiefs will win the division at 12-4, the Broncos will go 11-5, and the Chargers will go 10-6. The Raiders will have their first winning season since 2002 and go 9-7, but will once again fail to make the playoffs. By tiebreaker, the AZ Cardinals will also once again miss the playoffs despite their 10-6 record. I said bold predictions, not facts, people.
The Chargers will lose Kellen Clemens to retirement midway through the season and will sign some drunken hobo off the street near Qualcomm named Johnny Manziel, who will look to Manti Te’o for inspiration on how to avoid major controversial stories.
Once Joey Bosa signs, he’ll be going up against D.J. Fluker in practice and D.J. Fluker will say later that it was an “accident” that he body slammed him.
I have a feeling that Joey Bosa’s mom will call Roger Goodell and say her son shouldn’t be hit and that the NFL should gift him 20 sacks for free. I imagine this conversation going a little like when this mom allegedly texted her son’s commander.
Are we going to talk about Cromartie’s comment today?
"I think it’s going to be the veteran guys [who care about the holdout]. It’s going to be his locker room presence. ‘What kind of guy are you really?’ Who’s really running the show? Is it your mom, or is it you? I think that’s what everyone is looking at. And I think Antonio Gates said it best, get your butt in here. Man up, do what you need to do. Tell your agent what you’re gonna have to do.”
Apparently, I’m not the only one who feels like Joey Bosa hasn’t really had a part in these negotiations.
Well, thanks for reading. I hope this incredibly ridiculous article which you all probably read and scoffed at more than once gave you something to do while waiting for Friday’s game. Until next time.
DISCLAIMER: This was (mostly) tongue in cheek. Please don’t take it too seriously.