This is a serious post.
Today being Cinco de Mayo and all, it makes sense that we compare current Charger players to Tequila.
No, you're not going to agree with the majority of this. That's fine. This is a game. This is football. It is not life or death and should not be taken serious. Here are 10 players and what they would be if they were tequila drinks.
Denzel Perryman: Praire Fire
That's a shot of tequila, in this case Sierra, with hot sauce in it. It will hit you. I mean it will hit you. Don't even fight it. Embrace it.
Manti Te'o: Tequila Sunrise
Lol. I can already see your blood boiling now. That's fine. This is a nice, sweet drink that most of my exe's indulge in. There's no after bite and the orange juice takes away everything.
Joey Bosa: Nice try, he's 20
He can't drink yet. He's never had a drink in his life because all athletes take care of their bodies and nobody would every drink before they're 21.
Melvin Gordon: Patron
Nope. Not what you're thinking. Gordon is Patron because you pay a premium for it when there are much better and cheaper options available. Stings, doesn't it?
Keenan Allen: Casa Dragones Blanco
Why does nobody talk about this? Why do people not think this is as good as other top shelf drinks? This is where Allen comes in to place. So smooth. Don't even need a chaser. So good and the world has no idea. That's Keenan.
Trevor Robinson: Gas Station Tequila
Imagine going to a bar and there isn't a label on the tequila. That's what this guy is. Imagine asking for a shot and the bartender saying "Nah, we're just trying to get rid of it." That's this guy. Too harsh? Maybe. Reality? Yes.
Jason Verrett: Cazadores-Margarita
Most people know this is pretty damn good, but do they realllyyyy know just how good this is? Like Verrett and cornerbacks, it should be mentioned as 1 of the top Tequila's around. Make a margarita with one of these and you're welcome. I'm calling Verrett a Margarita and that is the biggest compliment I can give so please, no Margarita slander. Not on my watch.
Jahleel Addae: 5 shots of 1800 after power hour
Ya know, me and Addae aren't to different. We both run around hitting our friends and get a little reckless.
Melvin Ingram: Sauza, with a pineapple chaser
It might take awhile for it to become good, but when it does, it's damn good. That's Ingram. That's what you get when you chase tequila with pineapple. No ill effects and it's all good. You wonder why you haven't used it more.
Philip Rivers: Busch Light
I'm not sure if he drinks or not, but let's be honest, whatever holiday it is, El captain is throwing back a Busch light.
You tell me what directions you would've gone in.