Author's Note: This is gallows humor, and not based on any actual reporting, rumors, or informed speculation. Fans in San Diego, St. Louis, Oakland, Jacksonville, Arizona or any other team mentioned in the Comments should not waste their time getting offended.
NFL Owners are going to get together next week in Houston to determine which teams get to go to Los Angeles.
Since we know that it won't have anything to do with fan loyalty, what Los Angeles actually wants, or even a level assessment on which stadium plan is better, let's have some fun with this ridiculous, horrendous process and see who can come up with the best solution.
By "Best Solution", I mean the most unwieldy, Rube-Goldberg, fan and city trashing plan available to put a team (or two) in Los Angeles. Franchise swaps, name changes, multiple cities are all factors which lead to the best possible plan. And you can't just say who goes where - show your work.
Here are my two ideas, one is slightly less crazy than the other.
Scenario One - The Slightly More Real"ish" Idea
Dean Spanos and Stan Kroenke switch franchises.
St. Louis' final offer wasn't warmly received by the NFL. Therefore, they go back to the drawing board, and maybe start chasing Jacksonville.
Dean takes the Rams to Los Angeles by themselves in 2016, eventually to play in Carson. Dean gets Los Angeles and a brand he can sell in Los Angeles immediately.
Chargers stay in San Diego in 2016 under Kroenke's ownership.
NFL tells SD "you kept your team for 1 more year, and gave you a new owner without the bad blood and a lot more money." Get a deal done.
Raiders stay in Oakland for 2016. NFL tells Oakland "You get one more year with an owner who really, really wants to stay. If you can't work it out, Davis takes the Raiders to Los Angeles in 2017.
Assuming San Diego doesn't make a deal with Kroenke, the NFL tells Kroenke to take the Chargers wherever he wants (e.g. Toronto, London, etc.). Hopefully, Kroenke's actually not enough of a douche to take the Chargers name from San Diego, so that when the team leaves, we can all sadly continue wearing our throwback jerseys.
Scenario Two - A Little More Crazy
Stan Kroenke and Shahid Khan switch franchises.
The Jacksonville Jaguars name and history is retired in Jacksonville, just so those fans have their keepsakes. Then we can all forget the NFL had a team in Jacksonville for 21 years, and thought at one time that it was a good idea.
Kroenke takes the (Insert Blanks) to Los Angeles and builds his stadium in Inglewood.
The NFL sets up a 3 team name switch. Rams name goes from St. Louis to Los Angeles. (Insert Blanks) goes from Los Angeles to Arizona. Arizona sends the Cardinals name back to St. Louis. Because, really, what the hell do Cardinals have to do with Arizona? Better to keep them all in St. Louis where they're easier to hate.
Dean Spanos switches franchises with Mark Davis.
Dean takes the Raiders to Los Angeles and builds his stadium in Carson with Bob Iger helping with the branding/marketing of the Los Angeles Pirates of the Caribbean - err, um, Raiders - to rich people in Los Angeles. Dean, again, gets a brand he can sell in Los Angeles immediately.
Mark Davis takes the San Diego offer and builds the new stadium in Mission Valley, for $200 million less than initially offered. The Chargers stay in San Diego, and get new ownership to boot. Instead of Fabiani and Head Coach /GM power plays which torpedo playoff runs, we get P.F. Chang's and Strip Clubs.
As an added bonus, maybe Davis campaigns / throws around enough money to get San Diego's ordinance on strippers touching customers changed from "in the vicinity" to "Vegas-level intimacy", to the delight of many young sailors and marines who will now abandon their old team allegiances in humble gratitude.
So, those are my ideas.
What Are Your Ideas?
Have your own brand of fun in the comments section. Pick the plan you like best with recs. Going into January 12th, I'll do a brief write-up featuring the plans with the most recs.