FanPost

Obscenely optimistic outlook on the 2014 season.

While everyone is trying to analyze how the season will pan out; which teams will finish with what record, and which will make the playoffs, I'm here to tell you to tell you that I forgot if I needed to use colon or semicolon after the first phrase of this sentence. Also, to tell you that I already know how the season will pan out for our team, the Chargers. They will finish 16-0. I'd rather get that out of the way now instead of surprising you at the end, assuming your math skills haven't fully developed when you go through the breakdown.

How it happens

Week 1- At Arizona Cardinals

The Chargers will win this one for the simple fact that Philip Rivers has never ever lost to the Cardinals in either preseason, regular, Madden, or postseason (pfft). But what about that 27-24 loss five years ago?, you ask, knowing already that Rivers didn't lose that game... the Chargers did. Specifically, Simeon Castille lost the game by playing roast coverage on Eric Weems with 10 seconds to go in a meaningless game. For those unfamiliar with roast coverage, it's like lockdown coverage except from a distance, where your receiver can safely catch the balls thrown his way without any interference from his defender. Basically Derek Cox's favorite coverage style. 1-0

Week 2- vs Seattle Seahawks

The Seahawks will lose to the Chargers the same way the Broncos did. They'll change their clocks to California time the day OF the game, and forget their coffee and cleats, playing part of the game in their Nike Air force One shoes because they were hot 9 years ago in Virginia and trends take time to reach the northwest. Anyway, Richard Sherman will still be trash-talking Jordy Nelson about his 2 catch, 18 yard zero touchdown performance the week before and let Keenan Allen whiz by into the end zone 3 times, not playing his typical shutdown corner self until the Bolts are running out the clock and Allen is running half speed hitch routes. 2-0

Week 3- at Buffalo Bills

I went to Niagara Falls this summer. Saw more Johnny Manziel Jerseys than Buffalo Jerseys. Dead serious. Apparently Buffalo's people has no team. I don't blame them either. Default win! 3-0 But on a side note, the Bills can only beat the Chargers when they force power outages, since Buffalo don't require electricity like Chargers do. They have a nice defensive line though. 3-0

Week 4- vs Jacksonville Jaguars

The Creek Turnpike is a 33.22-mile-long (53.46 km) freeway-standard toll road that lies entirely in the U.S. state of Oklahoma. The turnpike forms a partial beltway around the south and east sides of Tulsa, Oklahoma's second largest city. This is not football related and neither are the Jaguars. 4-0

Week 5- vs New Jersey Jest

I know the New Jersey joke is old. Anywho, Darrelle Revis isn't there to intercept Vincent Jackson's ineptitude at pass catching anymore so there's no reason for this game to end unfavorably. Plus, it's at home and not a playoff game. 5-0

Week 6- at Oakland raiders

Each explanation has gotten progressively shorter per game. I'd rather not say much about raider week. I'd hate for my tongue to violently stab my teeth. 6-0

Week 7- vs Kansas City Chiefs

There are plenty of walruses at Sea World, so Andy Reid can roam the Q freely without anyone treating him like a sideshow. His team, however, will also fail to notice him and will flail around on the football field come gametime and, in the words of Nick Shepherd; forget how tew plai fewtball? They'll turn the ball over twice and Mike McCoy will go for it on fourth down that one time he really should and it'll pay off when the KC defense is flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct after getting flagged for Illegal Contact and punching a ref for it, thankfully, because Rivers underthrows the playaction pass. Then he wins. 7-0

Week 8- at Denver Broncos

It's easy to beat the Broncos when Peyton Manning isn't playing due to a one game suspension. What will he be suspended for? Just wait and see. 8-0

Week 9- at Miami Dolphins

The Chargers always seem to lose in Miami. Half the team wasn't even alive the last time the Chargers won in Miami. This new generation will end the streak and start a new one. Also, the Chargers play the Dolphins in November a lot, and are currently .500 after winning the first four and losing the last four. Miami is notorious for shaving year-round and the Chargers aren't (in November), so the charitable favor will be at an advantage for the lightning bolt crew. 9-0

Week 11- vs Oakland raiders

ew. 10-0

Week 12- vs St Louis Rams

I once had a thought about St Louis. It's a town somewhere in the midwest right? I can't seem to figure them out, those rams. Jeff Fisher has never beaten the Chargers and never will. 11-0

Week 13- at Baltimore Ravens

Joe Flacco is not Elite. He is ridonculously overpaid, almost as much as that other AFC North quarterback. Last time I went to M&T bank stadium to watch the Ravens host the Chargers was 2006, and it was one of the Bolts' two losses that regular season. Boy was I angry that day. This time, I won't go because Ravens fans have become more violent and larger in size, both quantitatively and literally. I might go, but only if you, BFTB readers, join me. 12-0

Week 14 vs New England Patriots

(In a ridiculously accurate english-butchering new england accent): Tawwm Bwradiey and Biwel Bewlischech aa awlmowest unsthaapable lahyte in dteh seeaz'n. Wow, that was perfidiously senile just to type... can't wait until I have to hear them mouth-breathe the words to me. It's time for Rivers to get his win on Brady once and for all. 13-0

Week 15 vs Denver Broncos

With the division and home field advantage locked, this game will be equally less meaningful to both and/or either team somehow and Brock Heisenbergalicious will throw two interceptions on the sidelines as he's warming up, prompting Papa Peyton John's Manning-Omaha to start, prompting Philip Rivers to start, and an AFC West playoff preview to explode on CBS and give Phil Simms yet another football stroke. This paragraph made no sense and neither does San Diego losing this game. 14-0

Week 16 at San Francisco 49ers

The Chargers are undefeated in the regular season against NFC teams they either beat or allow to beat them in the preseason in Saturday games in the 21st century. Or some other convenient stat to confirm 15-0

Week 17 at Kansas City Chiefs

Like last year, the Chiefs will send in the B squad, but this time because the first team offense and defense got food poisoning from KC's second rate barbecue, since they were gracious enough to let the second team eat the first rate barbecue when they were in San Diego a few weeks prior. H/T to Wade for the BBQ joke. 16-0


And there you have it. The Chargers will win football this 2014 season. All of it. Feel free to express yourself in the comments.

This FanPost was written by a member of the Bolts From The Blue community and does not necessarily reflect the views of the Bolts From The Blue editors or SB Nation.