Guest Column - The Life of an Unknown College Prospect

A guest column from an unknown prospect is a terrifying concept. However, once I waded through the gibberish and did some savage editing I was able to put this little gem out there for your perusal.

There’s quite a few people who think the life of an NFL prospect is all glamour and glitz. Well, they’re right. I went to the Piggly Wiggly last night and got two small containers of yogurt for half off. It was epic. EPIC. I mean, they’re expired, sure, but half off is still a discount.

There are many fans who ask what my daily routine is like. Do I work out all the time? Well, yeah. Duh. I mean, maybe not all the time because there are lots of minutes in the day when I’m asleep or watching TV or playing video games. But I would say that, when I’m not doing that other stuff, or visiting with friends and family or eating or working at McDonald’s or something, then, yeah, I work out.

So, to answer the question, what does a day in the life of a top prospect look like? I would really have no idea. I’m not a top prospect. When Manziel or Clowney (Really, guy’s name is Clowney? How can you take that seriously? I mean, he scares me because I’m scared of clowns, but that’s just me...) are hiring personal trainers and PR reps and preparing for whatever money nightmares they’ve got coming once they turn pro guys like me are watching the new season of Game of Thrones and wondering who’s going to be offed next (I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that the entire cast will eventually be corpsed), but that doesn’t mean I’m not working hard.

I’ve studied every sports cliché known to man and can cite them verbatim at a moment’s notice. I’ve practiced giving interviews to the mirror and, I’ve nailed them all. "I just give 100% all the time." "It’s really a team victory." "I’m just here to do my part." "I’ve never even seen that girl before." Got it down. Totally.

A lot of people have asked me if I have a preference of who drafts me. Well, not a lot of people, one person (my mom) and she may have been asking if I wanted mashed potatoes or not, but to answer the question honestly, yeah. I’d love to get drafted by the Chargers. And I’m not just saying that because Bolts from the Blue has let me guest column for them. I’d love to catch passes from Phillip Rivers. I mean, I’m a linebacker. But, you know. Yeah.

So, what will I be doing come draft day? Well, honestly, Ryan Matthews has asked if I want to be part of a raid on Hogger in World of Warcraft. Well, not really asked me, per se, but I’m, like, in the same guild, sort of, so I think I’ll be doing that. Then after that I’ll probably go to a movie or something then, after the draft, it’s all business! My agent, uncle Bill, will start calling teams and I’ll make that YouTube video I’ve been putting off for like two years and I’ll hope to get invited to camp somewhere.

Some people have suggested that I may not make a team. Admittedly, it’s a distinct possibility. But I’ve got a degree in physical education to fall back on. So, there’s that. I’ve got a great feeling about this year so, yeah. Yeah…