Peoria, Il. – The San Diego Chargers signed 36-year-old Owen Williams, a local web designer, to a 1-year incentive-laden contract today and Cindy Bertrand a 38-year-old ad executive to a 2-year contract based on their pro days.
"I thought I ran really well today," Ms. Bertrand said shooting a withering glance at her children. "I’m 5’4", but I’m 120 pounds of hate."
"I don’t know what a ‘pro day’ is," Mr. Williams muttered, shaking his head. "I mean, what does it do? What is its purpose? I fell down. Did you see that? I don’t run unless something’s chasing me and I fell down and I think I skinned my knee."
"Rub some dirt on it, you baby," Ms. Bertrand snapped, slapping the distraught web designer upside the head. "See? All hate."
"Yeah, Bertrand ran a pretty decent 4.4 40 and was just a beast on defense. I figure with Williams, well, we’ll just line him up on the line on punts and let him get in the way," Chris Hobbs, a college scout for the Chargers said. "I mean, hell, Williams is 5’11 522 pounds. All he has to do is take up space, basically, and try not to pass out. Maybe if he can stop crying long enough, we’ll use him on short yard situations on offense to fall forward."
"I think I can help the defense and special teams," Ms. Bertrand said, moving deftly to the right and tackling one of her two small children who had been running wild. "I mean, look at that; clean tackle, and shoulder lead. That’s what I bring every time. Good form."
"I think I’m going to throw up," Williams wheezed. "I have a raid tonight on Rift and I can’t be late. There’s this gorgeous High Elf rogue from Greece that thinks my voice is sexy and I can’t be late. Will I be late? I’m the tank. I can’t be late."
Also invited to participate when camp opened later this year was John D. Shwartz, 74, of Kinderhook, Il. "I was in the Navy!" Mr. Shwartz yelled, pointing incomprehensively to his crotch when asked if he was excited about the opportunity to try out for the team.
"Peyton Manning is like, 642 years old and made mostly of advanced robotics," Mr. Hobbs said with a shrug. "I figure if the Donkeys can haul his desiccated hide out there every Sunday, a genuine American Hero deserved a shot at making the club."