:format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/29426391/20140105_ajl_al2_013.0.jpg)
The following article is satirical and in no way representative of the San Diego Chargers, Mike McCoy, or reality. All quotes referenced are fictional, made up for the sake of humor.
San Diego – Mike McCoy, head coach of the San Diego Chargers sat down recently with this reporter to discuss the season that was and look forward to the season to come.
Though generous enough to allow me to interview him in his home I was forced to sit on a very metal folding chair that looked as if it were made for a child while he hauled a giant throne-looking chair from a back room and set it on a raised platform, making him appear to be nearly 20 feet tall. Evidently he had prepared well as each time he spoke there was a peal of thunder from the speakers hidden in the dark recesses of the ceiling and smoke billowed all around him from a series of portable smoke machines.
"Thank you for allowing me to interview you and, of course, allowing me into your home," I began as politely as I could.
"Yes," he replied as thunder roared and smoke billowed.
"How do you think your first season as Head Coach went?"
"We made the playoffs."
"Yes, well done on that, by the way. Not many people gave the Chargers much chance at the start of the year to make the playoffs."
"We did," McCoy’s amplified voice took on a hysterical pitch and he was forced to adjust the sound on the microphone hidden in the chair.
"I see," I replied. "Unfortunately Ken Whisenhunt was lured away to the Titans. How do you think that will affect the team this year."
"It won’t," McCoy’s booming voice echoed through the room. To my right his Yorkshire terrier soiled itself and fainted in a pool of its own urine.
"Is your dog ok?" I asked with concern, glancing over at where the animal lay.
"Yes. They’re skittish."
"Ah," I wasn’t so sure but it was, after all, his dog. "So there were some concerns going around about your aggressiveness on fourth downs. Or, more to the point, the lack thereof. Any comment to the fans who think you’re being too conservative on fourth down?"
"It is part of the system," McCoy shouted, pieces of plaster falling around me as the thunder rolled and the smoke became roiling banks all around him. "I will make the decisions I feel are best in the situation we’re in. It’s in the system. Everything is part of the system."
"Oh," I replied. "Oh, my. Ok. Any thoughts on next year?"
"If everyone buys in to the system we can go far. Have a drink." A strange, misshapen dwarf appeared at my elbow, holding a jeweled goblet of glowing blue liquid out to me expectantly.
"Um…"
"Drink." McCoy repeated. Taking the goblet in my hands I sipped at it gingerly. Suddenly the world seemed to explode and all was dark.
I awoke an indeterminable time later with a throbbing head and sat up gingerly. The dwarf had rummaged through my pockets and taken my cash and keys. As I staggered back through the growing murk of dusk I realized that the Chargers hadn’t been conservative on fourth down at all and the system was good.
