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GUEST COLUMN: Charles, the Evil Chargers Fan

Charles the Evil Chargers Fan regales us with his expert opinion on what the Chargers should do.

Kevork Djansezian

In an effort to fully include all fans I have given over my column this week to Charles, the Evil Chargers Fan. Everything you see below was written by him and definitely not by me.

Yeah, ok, so, here’s the thing. Why can’t the Chargers just do what they freaking should do? I’ve been a fan since before the team was even founded. Honestly, I was born for this. I had three kids, sold them all to slavers so I could get Chargers tickets for life. Wife didn’t like the team so she’s out of here. Went out for cigarettes one day and never came back except to get my TV and some clothes while she was at the psychiatrist. She’s not a fan? ZAP! Gone. If friends aren’t fans ZAP! Gone. I made one of my former friends, Bruce, get out of the car in Bakersfield because he said the Pittsburgh Squealers had won more Super Bowls than the Chargers. Yeah, it’s true, so what? Disparage my team and ZAP! Gone. I have no idea how he got back to San Diego and I don’t care. He’s not a fan. He can get his hands and feet eaten off by giant shrimp and crawl back on the nubs for all I care.

I think you’re getting the idea. I am a FAN, not some geek who once bought a Chargers jersey or even one of those guys that paint their face. Boltman? Yeah, he wishes he was as big a fan as I am. That’s why, when I see the team do stupid things, I get peeved.

Where are the free agent signings? They’ve signed like three guys. Who cares? Not me. Make everyone take a pay cut as far as I’m concerned. The Chargers need free agents!

Free agency is the key. I vomited out my left kidney during the Chargers’ ’94 Super Bowl loss but still proudly display my "Stan’s the Man" tattoo I had inked on my forehead. I don’t usually talk about that game because I’m scared I’ll lose the other kidney, too, but the Whiners bought that game. Everyone knows it. They bought and sold it with DeBartolo’s soul. Sanders, Plummer, Norton, Dent. Yeah. I don’t think DeBartolo’s soul’s worth that much but someone obviously did. Why don’t the Chargers do that? Yeah, blah, blah, blah, build through the draft. One more person tells me that and…ZAP! Gone. When I look at the Donkeys that’s what I see, ’94 Whiners. Except the problem is there are other teams that are better. HA! Put that in your data hole, Robomanning!

Where are they getting this cap space, though? Are they hiding it behind Elway’s teeth? Is he supplementing their cap with money from his 300 car dealerships or, maybe, Robomanning is helping out with some of his Papa John’s cash. Who cares? Not me. Donkeys suck. At least the Faders are the still the Faders. Can’t even sign a lineman without screwing it up. Faders suck. Chefs suck. They all suck. My team doesn’t suck.

What they do, though, sometimes, sucks. Everyone on this site talks about Clary. Cut him, restructure him, bah. Sell him to slavers. If one day he’s going to work and is savaged by 36 Cossack midgets and packed off to the middle of nowhere then that’s cap space off the books. Trade for Desean Jackson. He’s the only receiver left that’s worth anything. Give them a fourth round draft pick this year and a fifth next year and Jackson’s running wild through opposing secondaries, hot-dogging it all the way to the end zone. Who cares if he throws a tantrum? Not me. He gets too old or lippy and he finds out where Clary’s gone off to.

Just do what you’re supposed to, Chargers. Buy me a stupid Super Bowl. It worked before, it could work again. In the meantime, call me. I have the number to those Cossacks if you need it.