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The following article is satirical and in no way representative of the San Diego Chargers, their employees, or reality. All quotes referenced are fictional, made up for the sake of humor.
Indianapolis, IN – Citing a need for faster players Tom Telesco, General Manager of the San Diego Chargers has indicated the team will take a long look at, Murray, a 4 year old Cheetah currently working out with famed trainer Mike Murphy in the Serengeti.
"I don’t know," Telesco said with a shrug when asked about the cheetah. "I mean, Murray just flat out can run. We’ve got him unofficially clocked at a 2.65 40 and with that speed we just don’t see a reason to not at least put him on the board." No NFL team has an official time for the cheetah, as he wasn't invited to the Combine and is a part of no college's Pro Day.
The Chargers GM continued, "With his combination of speed and, of course, the terror factor involved in having a 150 pound merciless killing machine running free through the secondary he just seems like kind of a ‘can’t miss’ type of prospect, you know?"
While he may be fast and fearless, drafting a cheetah could create unforeseen difficulties for any NFL franchise.
"That might pose a problem, but I figure Bob Wick found a uniform for D.J. Fluker so he can work with a cheetah," Telesco replied when asked about the difficulty of finding a uniform for the animal. Philip Rivers, when asked about the possibility of having a cheetah in the wide receiver corps seemed intrigued and excited about the possibility.
"Heck, yeah, that’s some speed there," Rivers enthused. "I mean, golly, you look at Murray’s straight out speed and I think that will make for some good hook ups. I don’t know much about cheetahs except they’re fast and drag their pray off by the head, but it seems to me that sort of killer instinct will serve us well."
When asked about the difficulty incurred with the cat’s lack of opposable thumbs and potential trouble in catching the ball Rivers said, "There was that one guy back in the seventies that had part of his foot missing and he could kick a field goal from forever away. I think Murray can rise above his handicap and be a great player in this league."
When pressed for details on how the cat would catch the ball Rivers thought for a moment. "I don’t know. I guess with its mouth? I mean, did you see that throw I had to Tutu against the Chiefs? Heck, if I could throw that I could make a receiver out of a 150 pound cat."
Heading into his second full season as Head Coach of the Chargers, Mike McCoy is just as enthused about Murray's prospects as Rivers and Telesco seem to be.
"I think the coaches will welcome the challenge of training a cheetah," Head Coach Mike McCoy said. "He hasn’t been drafted, yet, so we’ll continue to work with the players we have. But, yeah, sure, why not? He’ll fit in well with the scheme and let’s be honest, it’ll be good for the fans to have a dangerous African predator running wild through the stadium. It’ll kind of add that "Wild Kingdom" aspect to the game. Remember that show? With that guy, Marlin Perkins? I hated that show. Next question."
Many wonder if Murray would actually qualify as a legal NFL player, and why he is eligible for the draft when every other player ever drafted has been a human being.
"I don’t think it’s technically against the rules to have an inhuman eating machine on your football team," NFL Spokesman Greg Aiello replied when asked about the Chargers drafting the cat. "Obviously it’s not ideal to have a dangerous predator loose in the stadiums, but we haven’t shut down the Black Hole in Oakland, yet, and Murray is probably less dangerous than that, so…" Aiello trailed off, shrugging impotently.
Many in the media have speculated that, despite his elite athleticism, many NFL GMs would shy away from drafting Murray on the ground that he would be a locker room distraction. When asked to comment on how he feels he could fit in with the other players, despite being a different species, the cheetah ripped off a reporter's arm and ran away with it.
Tom Telesco has said that, after dealing with the Manti Te'o situation in Training Camp last season, he believes his coaches and PR staff could handle the attention that would come with drafting league's first cheetah.
