The following article is satirical and in no way representative of the San Diego Chargers, Bill Johnston, or reality. All quotes referenced are fictional, made up for the sake of humor.
SAN DIEGO - According to Bill Johnston, Public Relations Director for the San Diego Chargers, the team has sold out every home game "Until the end of time."
"Look, we all know the power of positive thinking, right? I mean, right?" Johnston said with a broad grin from the team's media trailer to the assembled press. "You hear about it all day from this guy or that guy or that lady about her Jesus toast or whatever. We figured we'd try the same thing."
Johnston continued to rant and rave, uncharacteristically, for nearly 45 minutes, and was aggressive in responding to questions.
"That's not the point!" Johnston screamed, pounding his fists on the podium and causing the trailer to shimmy from side to side when asked if the team had actually sold out the rest of the games or was merely saying they had. "We have better weather than Seattle, we have better uniforms than Seattle and we will not be denied our just due!"
"We are sold out! That's it, that's all. If you're one of those scrubby Raiders fans and you try to get to the stadium on any Sunday you will be hauled away and tossed in the goddamn zoo. Do you hear me? In the zoo where you belong! You can cheer your team with the rest of the howler monkeys, damn your eyes!"
Later, Johnston addressed some of San Diego's politics and how they might affect the team's desire to get a new stadium built.
"Who cares?" Johnston responded when asked about the team's search for a new stadium. "We could personally give fifty bucks to every person in San Diego and some asshat would complain about it. The city elects a seventy-year-old man that can't keep his junk in his pants and we can't even sniff a new stadium? Really? But we don't care anymore. When the stadium collapses we'll treat it like half time, sweep away the wreckage and keep playing with fresh breezes coming in off the Pacific."
"Playing to a sold out crowd, too, huh?" One rakish reporter quipped from the back of the room.
"That's right," Johnston replied, showing more teeth than many thought was possible in a human and leveling the .44 Magnum he'd brought with him at the surprised man's head. "Playing to a sell out."