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Know Your Opposing Fan Base - Week 1, Houston Texans

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Houston visits The Murph on September 9th to kick off the regular season against the Chargers. What do we know about the Houston Texans? Plenty. What do we know about their fans? I'm going to do a little demographic research for you.

Ordele Tejanos?
Ordele Tejanos?
USA TODAY Sports

Health

Houston is the fattest city in America. No joke, according to this Men's Fitness article, 34% of Houstonites are overweight (this is actually 66% according to a 2009 publication from the CDC), they have the most fast-food restaurants in the US, and they commute an average of 27 miles to work each day with no public transportation. So, a Texans fan who's actually from Houston will be wearing a jersey sized XXL or larger.

Houston's average high temperature is "Hot As Balls" and the humidity is "Swamp-Ass Inevitable". Over 100 days over 90 degrees with an average humidity of 90% in the summer months. The climate is often compared to the Philippines and Central America. Conclusion: Houstonians are sweaty.

The climate is enhanced by the kind of pro-business/anti-human environmental regulations that can only be found in Texas - Houston is one of the most heavily polluted cities in the United States (7th for air pollution, according to the American Lung Association - San Diego is 11th). Houstifarians be having asthma, San Diegotans too.

Things to do in Houston

Houston has some good qualities. It's the birthplace of ZZ-Top, who enhanced the masturbatory experience for millions of adolescents before internet porn. It also has guns, the 5th and 6th attractions listed on the visit Houston website are a gun club and a shooting center. Houstains love them some beards and legs and firearms. It's the biggest city in Texas, so, of course they do.

Houston also is the home to NASA's mission control and astronaut training center, making it Spacetown, USA. Houstians are spaced-out.

How they cheer

The picture of the average Houstainian football fan is shaping up nicely, so let's go to the scoreboard...wait, first let's make up a scoring system. The scores will scale from 100 (Canadian) to 0 (Raider Fan). Every fan base starts at 100 and gets point deductions for the following atrocities:

  • Dressing up in S&M accouterments for games (-100) - No deduction
  • Unreasonable expectations (-10) - No deduction
  • Probably better than us and not confident (-10) - No deduction
  • Probably better than us and certain of victory (-20) - 20 point deduction applied to Houston
  • % of annoying bandwagon fans based on recent success (-%) - 15 point deduction applied to Houston
  • Constantly annoying us with reminders of historical success (-10, doubled for teams in division, additional multiplier added for recency of success) - No deduction
  • % of fans owning both Peyton Manning and Tim Tebow jerseys (-%) - No deduction
  • Definitely worse than us but blindly and annoyingly confident (-30) - No deduction

Texans Fan Score: 65

Comparisons: Cleveland Browns, Buffalo Bills