On Solving The Hat Crisis, And Becoming A Man

Matthew Stockman

For those of you who have been living under a rock for 2 years, there is a large elephant in the room here at BFTB. It is a nervous looking, hat wearing elephant.

Where did that elephant come from you ask. Africa? India? No, it came from the manic ramblings of John Gennaro, who infamously claimed that Chargers Head Coach Norv Turner WOULD be fired at the end of the 2011 season, and that he would eat a hat if he were wrong. Not MAY be fired, or SHOULD be fired, but the more adventurous and foolhardy WILL be fired.

Of course we know what happened. Norv Turner was immediately retained and the Chargers went 16-0 in the regular season and won the SB with a record score. and he and AJ Smith lasted one more season before being given bus tickets to Cleveland and Washington respectively.

If John were an infrequent poster, then one badly thought out statement could slide on by. But he isn't. He is the Editor In Chief/ Head Fascist and must be held to a higher standard. He needs to set an example. Or failing that, be made an example of.

Now, I come from a land of real beer and from a land where we wisely tend to not make too many rash claims about well... anything. Partly because we are pretty laconic and laid back. But mostly because if you are wrong, it is the normal practice, even duty, of your mates, to NEVER LET YOU FORGET IT.

None of what John said is in dispute. What is in dispute is whether John has ever made a legitimate attempt to be a man of his word. He has cited health concerns (weird huh), some apparent lack of witnesses at a vague and largely unsubstantiated hat eating event somewhere, and most recently unsuccessfully tried to convince people that a hat shaped cake, is in fact, a hat. In other words, John's has spent 2 years in Avoidance.

Nobody is buying it. And I think it's well past time that this elephant was poached and we were all given ivory ash trays stamped 2013 - The Year Gennaro Finally Ate A Hat.

John, you are (apparently) engaged. To a real live girl. New responsibilities loom. You have to match your tie colour to bridesmaids' dresses at an upcoming wedding. You will be pretending you like In-laws and weird baby names. You will be told what to do for the rest of your life. You have one last chance to be a man.

Or do you want this scenario to play out?

Minister: John, do you take (insert non fictitious girlfriend name here) to be your lawful wedded wife?

John: Sure.

Minister: Non Fictitious Girlfriend, do you take John to be your lawful wedded husband?

Non Fictitious Girlfriend: Ummm, maybe. Wait, no. I can't. He promised me babies and he went back on his word with the hat thing so...

Guests begin leaving, disappointed, but not surprised.

So, to avoid the embarrassing but inevitable scene above, I propose that John be given one last chance to be a man, and be true to his word. And the answer is staring at us right in the face.

A Gennaro-ally Speaking Special Edition - Wearing Then Eating The Hat, where John wears said hat for majority of his usual nonsense broadcast, then devotes the final x minutes to tucking in to a delicious piece of headwear.

It's perfect. We get to:

1. See John actually wear the doomed hat. If made of cake, this satisfies the requirement that it serves time as a functional hat. (A hat cannot be a cake. A cake can be a hat.) Mocking opportunities appear endless, but that's just a bonus.

2. Marvel at John's probable inhuman eating habits.

3. Possibly witness exciting combat between John and John's cat for the Cakehat, depending on cream content percentage. Stringy Arms versus Pussypaws in a showdown for the ages.

4. Spy NFG in the background, and check out the rest of her baked goods.

It's win/win and highly likely to be your last chance at redemption, John. Be a man. Eat the Cakehat.

This FanPost was written by a member of the Bolts From The Blue community and does not necessarily reflect the views of the Bolts From The Blue editors or SB Nation.