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15 People in the NFL at risk of throat cancer...

We missed Michael Douglas in the Dolt this week. Travel will do that sometimes. So here is a special investigation of NFL-ers that should be screened for early signs of throat cancer.

Nebraska girls aren't into that.
Nebraska girls aren't into that.
USA TODAY Sports Images

Michael Douglas, you are so skeevy, we actually believe this strange thing happened to you. And because it's the off-season and we like to take the high road at BFTB, it's only natural to speculate about the 15 most urgent candidates for throat cancer screening in the NFL. Call your doctors bros, this shit is real.

  1. Robert Kraft, Owner, New England Patriots. If you don't think he does, just watch this video.

    He literally just did that, another satisfied customer.
  2. Tom Brady, Quarterback, New England Patriots. It's like the culture up there in beantown. Look at that face, he doesn't have to but he does. What a guy.

  3. Clinton Portis, former Running Back, Washington Redskins. Choo-choo likes it, broseidon.

  4. Plaxico Burress, Wide Receiver, Pittsburgh Steelers. When you are known for having a gun that goes off too early, you have to do it.

  5. Brett Favre, former Quarterback, Green Bay Packers. Texting a junk-pic is really just letting your freak flag fly, no? You know he does it, and probably worse things with jelly or syrup.

  6. Jared Allen, Defensive End, Minnesota Vikings. You think that facial hair is there because it's stylish? Nope, he takes a doggy bag home when he does it

  7. Fred Smoot, former Cornerback, Vikings and Redskins. Remember the Viking's sex boat scandal? If not, here's a graphical depiction. Smoot was allegedly the ring leader of the perversions that were never proven to have taken place. Let's leave it at that.

  8. Cortland Finnegan, Cornerback, St. Louis Rams. He didn't before, but he does now.

  9. Chad (Ochocinco) Johnson. Only The Chad could do this, and you know he does that. Excessive celebration is kind of his thing.

  10. Joe Namath, Hall of Fame Quarterback. You know Broadway Joe is not above dining at the Y.

  11. Rob Gronkowski, Tight End, New England Patriots. First, it's Boston. Second, he hangs out with porn stars and has been acclaimed as the "hardest partying bro in the NFL". You can't hang out with porn stars and not do it. Hey Rob, it's gas-station-sushi bro, and you could get cancer from gas-station-sushi.

  12. Eli Manning, Quarterback, New York Giants. He just looks like he does, you know? The omg-she's-really-letting-me-do-stuff face. Those guys are happy to.

  13. Bryant McKinnie, Offensive Tackle, Baltimore Ravens. A bogus story about McKinnie being sued for a $375k strip club bill circulated last season. McKinnie defended himself by pointing out that nobody gets credit at a strip club, nobody. He knows how strip clubs operate and he knows how to please a lady.

  14. Ndamukong Suh, Defensive Tackle, Detroit Lions. Ever wonder where all that rage comes from? I hear he's bad at it. But he tries, so let's give him that.

  15. Rashard Butler, Offensive Tackle, Houston Texans. Cold kickin' it with retired porn star Mya G. Let's invoke the porn-star assumption. Let's re-iterate she's a retired porn star, this is like buying your gas-station-sushi then taking it to the gas station restroom, sitting down on the floor and having lunch. Get to the hospital bro, your throat cancer is inevitable.
CrimeTime31 does it bros. You know he does. He's also in the Eli Manning category, but getting regular cancer screenings so no worries.