Nick Canepa Reminds Us That Winston Churchill Wouldn't Have Fumbled The Ball

Nick Canepa wrote a column about Ryan Mathews' fumble last Sunday and managed to not include a Winston Churchill reference. I found this odd and disheartening. Let's look at Canepa's column as well as a few of his others from the last week.

9/24/2012: "Improving Mathew's fumbling a Matter of urgency"

These may be the same people who foresee peace in our time, but they say it can be done. Maybe you can't teach speed and instincts, but you can teach a running back how not to fumble.

That's a confounding opening sentence. Let me fix it:

Same people our time foresee in peace these be the may who, done can it be they say but.

Clear. Concise. Canepa.

That may be somewhat true. There are case studies to prove it. But teaching a running back with fumblitis how not to put the ball on the ground in practice is one thing. Getting him not to do it in games is another matter.

What may be somewhat true? Are we still talking about world peace? The world needs more men like Winston Churchill -- bringer of peace.

Chargers tailback Ryan Mathews fumbles. He's fast, strong, agile and dangerous, but every once in a while -- too often in crucial spots -- he leaves the football behind. As he did Sunday against Atlanta as the Chargers appeared primed to go in for a score that probably would have given them a 7-6 lead in the second quarter.

So if Ryan Mathews wouldn't have fumbled he would have scored. And it probably would have given them the lead? Is there that little faith in Nate Kaeding kicking the extra point or is Nick unaware of scoring rules for touchdowns or am I splitting hairs or am I mad because there's no Churchill in this column or am I a d*ck or _______________________.

Mathews got the ball at the Falcons' seven, darted to the three and suddenly there was a commotion. Ball loose. Atlanta recovered. The Falcons then drove 96 yards for a touchdown, basically ending the proceedings.

Qualcomm Stadium was a courtroom and thus brought an end to the proceedings. Law, people. Law! Winston Churchill understood the rule of international law like few others.

Chargers coach Norv Turner, whose neck is in a tight enough noose without this folderol, believes Mathews can be cured of his buttery grip. In the meantime, as he said in his Monday dealings with the media, there will be spots where Mathews won't be playing.

Ryan Mathews don't use butter. He don't use cheese. He don't use jelly or any of these. Ryan Mathews uses Vaseline. Vaseline. Vaseline. Nick Canepa -- big Winston Churchill and Flaming Lips fan. I also just learned a new word: folderol. Feel free to look it up.

But, he [Norv Turner] then added: "We have a number of guys who are capable." Translation: Other backs who don't carry a football as though it's radioactive.

Another hot potato / radioactive pigskin reference. Two in three weeks!

That's just it. How do you tell a back not to fight for more, when in so doing many break off long runs?

"Your instincts take over," Toller [sic] says. "But you can improve bad habits."

Ryan Mathews had better improve his. Or he'll have to find a doctor to get the splinters out of his rear end.

Dr. Chao will take care of this issue. But there will be infection. And it won't end well.

***

This is too much fun. Let's look at a few other Canepa gems from the last week and completely take them out of context.

9/23/2012: Chargers have suffered a total, unmitigated defeat

Maybe it's best summed up by what Winston Churchill said after Britain dropped the ball at Munich: "We have suffered a total, unmitigated defeat." Chargers General manager A.J. Smith loves Churchill. My guess is he won't be framing that quote.

Yes! There's our Churchill reference! Ben Higgins said it best when he tweeted the following:

I feel like someone bet @sdutcanepa about how many British PM quotes he can incorporate into columns. I'm impressed, Nick.

— Ben Higgins (@XTRA1360Ben) September 25, 2012

It is impressive. In a very, very, bad way.

It's simple. They couldn't stop the Falcons and the Falcons could stop them.

That's downright Churchillian. Football is actually that simple. I don't know why coaches spend so much time at their facilities sleeping on the couch in their office.

***

9/19/2012: "What doe AEG sale mean to San Diego?"

A certain Los Angeles Times columnist who shall remain nameless (T.J. Simers) has written he has a hunch the Chargers will be in L.A. by March. That T.J., what a cutup. He's a master at getting you to pull his finger.

Alright this is kind of funny. Canepa makes a fart joke in his first paragraph. OK, it's not really funny, it's juvenile. But as I read the remainder of the column it felt like he was trying to insert a subtle a** reference into each subsequent paragraph.

Don't believe it? Go check for yourself. You'll see frequent allusions to rear-ends including but not limited to the following: assume, dump, and Los Angeles.

Seriously. Go use your last two clicks of the month at the UT.

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9/17/2012: "Don't hold it against Chargers that they're nice guys"

Even in a world clouded by the manly fog of testosterone, Allen Pinkett sticks out like a sore jackass. Although, when you think about it, jackasses have it all over Allen, because they can't speak.

Interesting. Connecting Notre Dame's radio announcer, Allen Pinkett, to the Chargers. The Notre Dame story isn't entirely current but it's an interesting connection nonetheless. And I'm dreamy for Notre Dame. Tell me more.

Just a few weeks ago the Notre Dame football broadcaster and former player said what the Irish need are more criminals in their locker room. Too many nice guys. Sure, it's easy to see coach Brian Kelly scouting Guantanamo or San Quentin.

This is an apt analogy. Good work by Nick Canepa. Although I did like it better when it was written the week before here at Bolts From The Blue.