clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Two Minutes Of Hate: Dallas Cowboys

New, comments
Getty Images


The Dallas Cowboys, America's Team, used to be one of the most entertaining teams in all of sports both on and off the field. When Jerry Jones bought the Cowboys and installed Jimmy Johnson as the head coach, they quickly went from a boring, untalented group to must watch television. It has now been years since the last time Jerry's team was worth following on* or off the field. Look, I'm not saying I need Dez Bryant to stab one of his teammates in the neck with a pair of scissors**, but would it kill them to rent a house to keep hookers in?

I guess it's not really fair to pick on Dez Bryant for failing to bring us the headlines. He did rough up his own mother after all and he's probably the most interesting player to watch on the field outside of maybe DeMarcus Ware***. If anyone needs to stab someone with a pair of scissors**** it's Tony Romo. He terrorized us with his insanely unremarkable romances and poorly timed vacations. He owes us a real story.

I'd blame Jerry Jones for how boring the Cowboys have grown over the years, but I feel like the man is at least trying. He did sign noted terrible human being and clubhouse cancer Terrell Owens not that long ago and he kept him well past his expiration date. He tried***** to stir up controversy by hiring instant lame duck head coach Wade Phillips while at the same time bringing on head coach in waiting Jason Garrett. And you can't forget that giant "F you" to good taste he built. No, I just don't think you can blame Jerry for this.

Well, then who is to blame? Good question, dear reader. I blame Michael Irvin and the early 90s Cowboys. That bunch of criminals and future Hall of Famers set the bar way, way too high. The current group of run of the mill degenerates and undeserving Pro Bowlers can't possibly compete with what came before. It's sad, but we'll probably have to find a way to be content with watching the likes of Tony Romo and his goofy grin represent the Dallas Cowboys for some time to come.******

I'd like to close by saying that I still stand by what I said last year, "being a fan of the Dallas Cowboys doesn't necessarily make you a douchebag, but I'd argue that being a douchebag may very well make you a fan of the Dallas Cowboys. "

*This part isn't all that fair. I mean last year's team had some of the most entertaining choke jobs I've ever seen on a football field and I'm a Chargers fan.

**I miss Michael Irvin. That guy was a sociopath.

***Ware's just ridiculously good. He doesn't do anything that's all that jaw-dropping visually.

****Dude. I still can't believe Michael Irvin once stabbed a guy in the neck with a pair of scissors and it seems like nobody cares about this.

*****He may not have really been trying to do any such thing, but honestly would you put it past the crazy old man?

******Or maybe they can get Irvin to stop by every couple of months and try to stab somebody or at least provide some drugs and hookers to the current generation of Cowboys.