Two Minutes of Hate is meant entirely in good fun and if you manage to be offended you're probably an idiot.
Hello readers. Welcome back to your weekly dose of the two H's*: hate and (on occasion) humor. If you're reading this, there are several assumptions we can make about you:
1. You're a human being.**
2. You're at least somewhat literate.***
3. You're a fan of the San Diego Chargers and you feel the need to read about them during the off season.****
4. Your expectations about the off season are stupid and wrong on several levels.
Because, like you, I'm a Chargers fan that just can't get enough coverage of the team I follow, I spend an unhealthy amount of my free time reading articles, comments, tweets, etc. about them during the off season. Because, unlike***** you, I have at least half a clue about the subject I'm reading about I invariably find almost every single thing other fans say to be at best somewhat objectionable.
As you might guess, that means the list of stupid things you guys think and say that annoy me is quite long. Given that I have other responsibilities, I'm going to go ahead and focus on five of the worst offenses:
- You don't understand the difference between the NFL and MLB. Because of this you insist on claiming that the Chargers should "stop being cheap" and sign Vincent Jackson or whomever. You do this even though the Chargers actually exceeded the Salary Cap in 2011 because in your heart of hearts you know the only thing standing between your team and a Lombardi trophy is that cheap bastard that owns the team. Please don't talk to me.
- You found the list of potential backup running backs to be had in free agency severely underwhelming. I'm not saying you shrieked, "Why are we discussing Chester Taylor when Ray Rice is a free agent?" but you totally did say that. God forbid you're one of the people that thinks bringing back LaDainian Tomlinson is a valid idea.******
- You post mock drafts in which you have the Chargers drafting players in the fourth round that will be gone before their first pick overall and even given this undeniable proof of how little you know about the relative perceived value of college players, you'll still be lined up on the days of the draft to bemoan how terrible A.J. Smith's draft picks are. Clearly you could have done better and you want to let us all know it no matter how stupid it makes you look and sound.
- You think the Chargers should sign Mario Williams and that the only reason they wouldn't is because they don't care about making the team better. You don't realize that a player has to think the Chargers are their best option for them to sign here. The fact that other teams will also be able to offer huge sums of money to him doesn't impact your thinking in any way at all. This is because you're an idiot.
- You thought Scott Kaplan was a genius with regard to player personnel and think that it's a terrible tragedy that he no longer assaults our ears in the morning. You think Marty Caswell has worthwhile things to say about anything ever.
Some of those items (probably all of them) applied to you. Feel deeply ashamed and keep your inane opinions about football to yourself.
*"Two H's?" you might be asking. Yeah. "But why? That's stupid." Sure, I guess. "Your answers aren't very satisfying." Neither is your mom. Boom. Moving on.
**As a general rule, this means I already don't like you.
***Congratulations.
****This means that I probably like you less than other people because unlike them you spend time discussing something I love and there's about a 99% chance you do this in a way that ruins my enjoyment of it.
*****There are probably six or seven of you that this doesn't apply to. Feel free to assume that you're in this special group even though statistically that's very unlikely.
******Some of you might realize that some of my listed items are similar or related and that I could have combined them. Please show yourself out.