Two Minutes Of Hate: New York Jets Of East Rutherford, New Jersey

The New York Jets of East Rutherford, New Jersey are a comically ridiculous assemblage of personalities that are truly beyond parody. Anyone who doubts that obviously missed their turn on Hard Knocks₁.

There are a lot of things about the Jets that are worthy of our scorn, but there are also plenty of things that are just plain funny. Example: the owner's name is Woody Johnson₂. We're going to focus on the parts that are just funny because, y'know, Christmas or something.

Speaking of Christmas, Tim Tebow₃. The acquisition of Tim Tebow this past off season was one of the many gifts₄ bestowed upon the fine people that are paid to cover the New York Jets. Though the combination of Rex Ryan and Tim Tebow wasn't quite as incredible as some of us had hoped, his presence did up the circus factor₅. It still continues to blow my mind how much people want to talk about a guy that isn't any good at his profession, never says or does anything entertaining always has a look on his face that suggests there isn't anything interesting going on inside either.

The other quarterback, the one that actually got to start games and was allowed to throw the football, Mark Sanchez has continued his downward spiral from "not very good" to "benched in favor of Greg McElroy." I think we all knew it wasn't going to end well when a guy with the talent level of a third string quarterback was given the nickname "The Sanchise," but this season has honestly exceeded my expectations in a big way. The guy is just dreadful. I thought he would get better and instead he's managed to get worse. It's delicious. Also, what kind of terrible nickname is "The Sanchise"? That would have been tough to live down if he'd turned into Peyton Manning, but Mark Sanchez is still going to be catching crap about that from his teammates in the Arena League in a few years.

Rex Ryan may or may not be a good head coach. It's hard to tell given the personnel he's been working with the last couple seasons and before that it was hard to separate the results from the incredible run of good luck he experienced. Whatever. What we do know is this: the man has a thing for feet₆. Somehow that was national news. I don't want to really get into it here, but I thought I'd be remiss if I didn't at least mention it.

And then there's Antonio Cromartie. Ten kids, eight women, six states. I believe there was also an instance where he was asked to recite all of his kids' names and he was unable to do so. There's no joke in there. The simple facts are amusing enough.

Finally, we have to talk about Jets fan. There's something sad about Jets fans. I can't quite my finger on it, but it's there. Oh, wait. I've got it. Fireman Ed. Holy crap. Former Dolphin fan, Edwin Anzalone, was one of the most recognizable fans of any team in any sport. He led that obnoxious J-E-T-S₇ chant for years. He wore that goofy decorated fireman's hat. He was just generally annoying all the time (as any good Jets fan aspires to be). Then, on Thanksgiving, he walked out of the building at halftime and vowed not to lead the chant any more. That's just sad. It's also funny, though, so don't get too down.

1. They probably also had to miss out on literally everything aired on ESPN over the last handful of years.

2. If that doesn't make you laugh you're dead inside. The man's real name is Wood Johnson, but he goes by Woody. That's gold. If you don't think it's funny we couldn't be friends.

3. Screw you, Microsoft Word, that's a sentence. It's been a long week. Leave me alone.

4. It is seriously an embarrassment of riches. They don't even have to worry about not having a something to write about ever.

5. I'm going to try to work "circus factor" into more of my conversations in the future.

6. Maybe it got into the heads of the opposing kickers and that's why they missed all those kicks. Wait, is that the order it happened in? Who cares?

7. Remember those dopes that were caught on TV spelling it out as JEST? Good times...