States Of Matter With Nick Canepa

The Chargers stink. I'm depressed. Let's look at a Nick Canepa column.

The title of his column is Chargers douse the flame with bad breath. My response? OK. Why not.

Think of stink in its solid form. How high can you pile it? As it turns out, at least a mile.

Instead of the usual manure reference when describing the Chargers' performance, Nick blows minds with an allusion to poop. Had Canepa mentioned diarrhea this would have been a damn science lesson!

"This is a tough place to play," Chargers coach Norv Turner was saying after his football team's latest sewage spill, this one being Sunday's 30-23 defeat at 5,280 feet to the Broncos, which in effect ended a season for San Diego that really ended weeks ago.

Sewage spill? Oh crap (no pun intended). We have liquid poop. We have liquid poop.

He's right about that. It's the toughest venue for visitors to win in American sports.

This isn't entirely true. I went to Denver on November 22nd, 2009 and the Chargers smashed the Broncos. The night before the game I got stabbed by a local meth-head. True story. I meant to write about it last week but I'm useless.

The Chargers did so many things wrong offensively in the first half it's mortifying to think it wasn't long ago that this was one of the premier machines in the NFL. It's so far removed from that, Dr. Hubble couldn't find it with his invention.

Hubble didn't invent the eponymous telescope that has been in operation since 1990, it was merely named in honor of his ground breaking work in astrophysics. Hubble died in 1953. There's your science lesson. What up, Nick!

Edwin Hubble moved to Wheaton, Illinois as a youth and lived there during the same time as future pro football Hall of Famer, Red Grange. Grange developed strength as a young man by delivering ice, earning himself the moniker, "The Wheaton Iceman". Ice is the solid form of water. More science for you. I am also originally from Wheaton. But I am much younger than these gentlemen and never did anything of consequence.

As a result, the Chargers could do nothing early on. At halftime they had 54 total yards and two first downs. Rivers was 9 of 17 for 60 yards and had thrown one horrible interception. The Chargers only score came on a Manning pass batted by corner Marcus Gilchrist to safety Eric Weddle, who returned it for the first score of the game.

Why do we do this to ourselves, again?

But there were stupid penalties, false starts and neutral zone infractions. Twice Rivers couldn't get the snap in time and avoid delay of game.

"These things happen," Norv said. "I'd like them not to happen."

"These things happen, I'd like them not to happen." ~ Norv Turner. Print the t-shirts for Black Friday.

And here I always thought coaching was about teaching and discipline. I don't know what's going through Norv's brain now that he's obviously a short-timer (unless, as we've said, The Vatican gets to work). But it's unusual for him not to find something to do well on offense.

The Vatican's work is tied up with Notre Dame right now and Spanos is a Greek Orthodox Christian anyways. The Vatican ain't gonna do sh*t for us, Nick! Do your research.

"Denver took away a lot of what we tried to do," he said. "We had trouble getting the run going, we had trouble protecting and we had trouble getting open."

Well, thanks, Norv, in 17 words, you summed up a game for me.

When Nick Canepa is suggesting that you just mailed it in with your post-game comments then you know you're pathetic.

"We've got to find a way to win a game," Norv Turner said.

That's easy. Do exactly the opposite of what you've been doing.

The opposite? A tried and true remedy to what ails us all . . .