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Two Minutes of Hate: New England Patriots

Look at him just laying there staring at the loose football. He's not even trying. It's impossible not to hate that guy. Boo!  (Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images)
Look at him just laying there staring at the loose football. He's not even trying. It's impossible not to hate that guy. Boo! (Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images)
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Two Minutes of Hate is meant entirely in good fun and if you manage to be offended you're probably an idiot.

Wow. I do not even know where to begin. There are just so many different avenues. You hate them because they've been so dominant. You hate them because they cheated. You hate them because they have the most aggravating fans in the world. You hate them because of the fawning media coverage they receive. You hate them for all of those reasons and more.

I didn't always hate the Patriots and it's possible you didn't either. In fact, prior to the arrival of Bill Belichick it was difficult to find the energy to care about them one way or the other. And even in 2001, when the largely unknown Tom Brady Wally Pipp'd the veteran Drew Bledsoe en route to a Super Bowl victory, they were a borderline likable underdog story. So, what happened?

As it turned out, the New England Patriots would go on to be the most dominant team of the following decade and it's pretty damn difficult not to at least dislike the most dominant team of a given decade. However, that's not even close to the whole story. In 2007, we found out that the Patriots' run of success wasn't just the result of personnel decisions, coaching and talent all coming together. Rather, it was entirely* the result of Belichick, Brady and company being a bunch of lousy cheaters.

The worst part of their three Super Bowl victories in five years wasn't even the fact that it gave us Spygate (and Spygate was a painfully boring controversy). The worst part was that it roused their abhorrent fan base awake enough to take time out of their busy lives to remind everyone that Boston isn't just about its legendary racism. It's also about being home to the most obnoxious sports fans outside of Los Angeles**. You can forgive their enthusiasm given the decades of failure that preceded their run of dominance, but there's something*** about the delivery that I just can't get over.

Worse even than the r-dropping mouth breathers who call into WEEI**** are the Patriots fans that infest the media. To these people, literally every single thing that Bill Belichick does is further proof of his genius. Belichick locked his keys in the car? He's clearly playing chess while other head coaches are playing checkers. Belichick dresses like a smelly hobo? Clearly this is giving his team an advantage that can't be overcome. And then there's Tom Brady. The love for Brady knows no bounds. I have but one thing to say about that, "F**k Tom Brady."

*Entirely in this context is code for "almost partially."

**Los Angeles still holds the crown because they stab people. Step your game up, New England.

***It's the accent.

****It makes me sick that I even know what WEEI is. Seriously.

As is the case every week (that I remember to do my assigned writing anyway), I'd like to close by apologizing for the quality of this posting. I'll strongly consider doing better in the future.