Bolts From The Blue: All Posts by Jesse HaynerAn Unofficial Los Angeles Chargers Blog Created By The Fans, For The Fanshttps://cdn.vox-cdn.com/community_logos/47753/btfb-fv.png2014-04-28T07:01:13-07:00https://www.boltsfromtheblue.com/authors/jesse-hayner/rss2014-04-28T07:01:13-07:002014-04-28T07:01:13-07:00Guest Column from an unknown player. FUN!
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<figcaption>Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports</figcaption>
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<p>What does a day in the life of a top college player look like? This guy has no idea, but he gets sweet discounts. So there's that.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i>A guest column from an unknown prospect is a terrifying concept. However, once I waded through the gibberish and did some savage editing I was able to put this little gem out there for your perusal.</i></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal">There’s quite a few people who think the life of an NFL prospect is all glamour and glitz. Well, they’re right. I went to the Piggly Wiggly last night and got two small containers of yogurt for half off. It was epic. EPIC. I mean, they’re expired, sure, but half off is still a discount.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There are many fans who ask what my daily routine is like. Do I work out all the time? Well, yeah. Duh. I mean, maybe not all the time because there are lots of minutes in the day when I’m asleep or watching TV or playing video games. But I would say that, when I’m not doing that other stuff, or visiting with friends and family or eating or working at McDonald’s or something, then, yeah, I work out.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, to answer the question, what does a day in the life of a top prospect look like? I would really have no idea. I’m not a top prospect. When Manziel or Clowney (Really, guy’s name is Clowney? How can you take that seriously? I mean, he scares me because I’m scared of clowns, but that’s just me...) are hiring personal trainers and PR reps and preparing for whatever money nightmares they’ve got coming once they turn pro guys like me are watching the new season of Game of Thrones and wondering who’s going to be offed next (I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that the entire cast will eventually be corpsed), but that doesn’t mean I’m not working hard.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’ve studied every sports cliché known to man and can cite them verbatim at a moment’s notice. I’ve practiced giving interviews to the mirror and, I’ve nailed them all. "I just give 100% all the time." "It’s really a team victory." "I’m just here to do my part." "I’ve never even seen that girl before." Got it down. Totally.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A lot of people have asked me if I have a preference of who drafts me. Well, not a lot of people, one person (my mom) and she may have been asking if I wanted mashed potatoes or not, but to answer the question honestly, yeah. I’d love to get drafted by the <a href="http://www.sbnation.com/nfl/teams/san-diego-chargers" class="sbn-auto-link">Chargers</a>. And I’m not just saying that because Bolts from the Blue has let me guest column for them. I’d love to catch passes from Phillip Rivers. I mean, I’m a linebacker. But, you know. Yeah.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, what will I be doing come draft day? Well, honestly, Ryan Matthews has asked if I want to be part of a raid on Hogger in World of Warcraft. Well, not really asked me, per se, but I’m, like, in the same guild, sort of, so I think I’ll be doing that. Then after that I’ll probably go to a movie or something then, after the draft, it’s all business! My agent, uncle Bill, will start calling teams and I’ll make that YouTube video I’ve been putting off for like two years and I’ll hope to get invited to camp somewhere.</p>
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<p class="MsoNormal">Some people have suggested that I may not make a team. Admittedly, it’s a distinct possibility. But I’ve got a degree in physical education to fall back on. So, there’s that. I’ve got a great feeling about this year so, yeah. Yeah…</p>
https://www.boltsfromtheblue.com/2014/4/28/5660382/guest-column-the-life-of-an-unknown-college-prospectJesse Hayner2014-04-10T13:03:28-07:002014-04-10T13:03:28-07:002014 NFL Draft: A Pocket Dictionary
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<p>What do these terms mean? What do they say? Why do they say them? Do you like Spartacus? Read on to see the definition of a few popular NFL Draft-related sayings.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">What is the <a href="http://www.sbnation.com/nfl/teams/san-diego-chargers" class="sbn-auto-link">Chargers</a>’ draft strategy? What will they do? While there are many predictions from "experts" that I’m almost positive the team takes into consideration, no one really knows for sure. Will they take a cornerback at 25? A nose tackle? An outside linebacker? A cheetah? The ghost of Guy Fawkes dressed like a Palestinian mime energetically lip-syncing to "Mr. Brightside" by the Killers? All decent possibilities.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The NFL, unlike sports like baseball, do not have a minor league. They have colleges they draw their players from. This makes financial sense because then teams don’t have to pay for uniforms or doctors or cheerleaders and they don’t have to have giant sausage races around the fifty yard line. They can lean on the colleges for all of this.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I decided to take a closer look at the intricacies of the draft to maybe better help those not in the know understand some of the terminology they will be bombarded by next month as the NFL gathers in New York.</p>
<h5>The Combine</h5>
<p class="MsoNormal">Ostensibly, the combine is where the best athletes in college football gather to work out for teams that may pay them an obnoxious sum of money to play football. In reality and, kind of a creepy reality at that, middle-aged men spend two days ogling athletes in shorts and measuring their arms, legs, thighs, fingers, hand-size and every measurable in the world. Then they take them into a small room and ask them personal questions like "Have you ever done drugs?" "Do you know any gang members?" and "Do you like the movie Spartacus?" We are not here to pass judgment. Moving along.</p>
<h5>The War Room</h5>
<p class="MsoNormal">Traditionally war rooms are command centers used by the military to plan strategic defense. Usually buried deep in bunkers and filled with enough Ovaltine to choke a donkey (but not John Elway. He uses his teeth like a baleen.) In football terms it’s usually a room with lots of phones where people mill about and pretend to not notice the cameras surreptitiously placed there. Here is the team’s board.</p>
<h5>Team Board or Big Board</h5>
<p class="MsoNormal">Presumably a white board with the names of the people ogled at the draft they found most attractive to draft. The Chargers, as most teams, use a "block" system where they lump players together. It is here where the teams gather all of the draft predictions and try not to screw up so Pete Prisco gives them a great grade because, as everyone knows, all teams want Prisco’s approval. Except the <a href="http://www.sbnation.com/nfl/teams/oakland-raiders" class="sbn-auto-link">Oakland Raiders</a> who simply hire a medium to make sure Al Davis is satisfied.</p>
<h5>On the Clock</h5>
<p class="MsoNormal">When a team is on the clock they have a certain amount of time to call the name of the player they will draft or trade the pick to another team. Or, as the Raiders have done, simply do nothing at all and have people stand like deer in headlights staring at the sun while their time ticks away.</p>
<h5>Trade Value</h5>
<p class="MsoNormal">Teams have a complicated formula for judging trade value. For instance, if someone wants the number ten pick they must first give up their first round pick, then a third round pick then all of their colonial holdings in French Guyana while getting the number ten pick and Marvin Gardens which everyone knows no one will ever land on.</p>
<h5>Mock Drafts</h5>
<p class="MsoNormal">Wild guesses put forward by "experts" and non-experts alike, some of them blatantly homeristic. These are difficult to put much stock in. Fear them.<br></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hopefully this will make things easier to navigate as we head into the final stretch before the teams in the NFL get new blood.</p>
https://www.boltsfromtheblue.com/2014/4/10/5599868/2014-nfl-draft-a-pocket-dictionaryJesse Hayner2014-03-27T13:22:13-07:002014-03-27T13:22:13-07:00NFL Implements "Belichick Rule"
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<figcaption>Penalty. Hand over your digit. | Robert Deutsch-USA TODAY Sports</figcaption>
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<p>The NFL has taken celebration to task in a big way with the "Bellichick Rule", barring any emotion whatsoever.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Orlando, FL – In a move that was not wholly unexpected, the National Football League today announced a series of moves that will ban any outward show of joy, anger or, in fact, any emotion at all. The new rules were implemented Thursday at the NFL meetings here at Walt Disney World Resort.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"We want our players to be pumped," NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said from the podium at the Disney’s Polynesian Resort Hotel, dressed festively in a suit and tie and leather sandals. "We want players to be able to go into ‘beast mode’ while on the field. We simply don’t want them to show any outward sign of this mode."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"How did this all come about?" A reporter seated near the fruit punch fountain asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Well, the competition committee had taken the day to see the sights and were all on Space Mountain when they saw one of the coach’s trains pull in and while most coaches were flushed and ebullient, there were several that seemed nonplussed and, in fact, rather bored. I think Bill Bellichick is really an inspiration for us all. It was at that moment the Competition Committee realized what they needed to do. So, effective immediately, all outward signs of emotion are summarily eligible for a penalty."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"What kind of penalty will there be?" Another reporter queried, seemingly perplexed as he attempted to negotiate the multiple straws sticking out of his virgin daiquiri.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"15 yards for unsportsmanlike behavior for a first offense," Aiello replied, "followed by removal of a digit for each subsequent violation." Silence descended on the room, only broken by the distant strains of a genuine Caribbean band playing Jimmy Buffett’s "Cheeseburger in Paradise" from the island in the center of the resort.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Loss of a digit?" A reporter suffering from multiple mosquito bites and blown up like a beach ball asked from the front row.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Yeah," Aiello replied with a disarming smile. "We call it the eye for an eye and a finger for a f*** rule."</p>
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<p class="MsoNormal">In other news, following the NFL’s announcement, <a class="sbn-auto-link" href="http://www.sbnation.com/nfl/teams/san-diego-chargers">San Diego Chargers</a> Quarterback Philip Rivers today announced his retirement, stating only he didn’t want to play with his children using stumps.</p>
https://www.boltsfromtheblue.com/2014/3/27/5553552/nfl-implements-eye-for-an-eye-ruleJesse Hayner2014-03-26T09:00:02-07:002014-03-26T09:00:02-07:00GUEST COLUMN: Charles, the Evil Chargers Fan
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<figcaption>Kevork Djansezian</figcaption>
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<p>Charles the Evil Chargers Fan regales us with his expert opinion on what the Chargers should do.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i>In an effort to fully include all fans I have given over my column this week to Charles, the Evil <a href="http://www.sbnation.com/nfl/teams/san-diego-chargers" class="sbn-auto-link">Chargers</a> Fan. Everything you see below was written by him and definitely not by me.</i></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal">Yeah, ok, so, here’s the thing. Why can’t the Chargers just do what they freaking should do? I’ve been a fan since before the team was even founded. Honestly, I was born for this. I had three kids, sold them all to slavers so I could get Chargers tickets for life. Wife didn’t like the team so she’s out of here. Went out for cigarettes one day and never came back except to get my TV and some clothes while she was at the psychiatrist. She’s not a fan? ZAP! Gone. If friends aren’t fans ZAP! Gone. I made one of my former friends, Bruce, get out of the car in Bakersfield because he said the Pittsburgh Squealers had won more <a href="http://www.sbnation.com/super-bowl" class="sbn-auto-link">Super Bowl</a>s than the Chargers. Yeah, it’s true, so what? Disparage my team and ZAP! Gone. I have no idea how he got back to San Diego and I don’t care. He’s not a fan. He can get his hands and feet eaten off by giant shrimp and crawl back on the nubs for all I care.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I think you’re getting the idea. I am a FAN, not some geek who once bought a Chargers jersey or even one of those guys that paint their face. Boltman? Yeah, he wishes he was as big a fan as I am. That’s why, when I see the team do stupid things, I get peeved.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Where are the free agent signings? They’ve signed like three guys. Who cares? Not me. Make everyone take a pay cut as far as I’m concerned. The Chargers need free agents!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Free agency is the key. I vomited out my left kidney during the Chargers’ ’94 Super Bowl loss but still proudly display my "Stan’s the Man" tattoo I had inked on my forehead. I don’t usually talk about that game because I’m scared I’ll lose the other kidney, too, but the Whiners bought that game. Everyone knows it. They bought and sold it with DeBartolo’s soul. Sanders, Plummer, Norton, Dent. Yeah. I don’t think DeBartolo’s soul’s worth that much but someone obviously did. Why don’t the Chargers do that? Yeah, blah, blah, blah, build through the draft. One more person tells me that and…ZAP! Gone. When I look at the Donkeys that’s what I see, ’94 Whiners. Except the problem is there are other teams that are better. HA! Put that in your data hole, Robomanning!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Where are they getting this cap space, though? Are they hiding it behind Elway’s teeth? Is he supplementing their cap with money from his 300 car dealerships or, maybe, Robomanning is helping out with some of his Papa John’s cash. Who cares? Not me. Donkeys suck. At least the Faders are the still the Faders. Can’t even sign a lineman without screwing it up. Faders suck. Chefs suck. They all suck. My team doesn’t suck.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What they do, though, sometimes, sucks. Everyone on this site talks about Clary. Cut him, restructure him, bah. Sell him to slavers. If one day he’s going to work and is savaged by 36 Cossack midgets and packed off to the middle of nowhere then that’s cap space off the books. Trade for Desean Jackson. He’s the only receiver left that’s worth anything. Give them a fourth round draft pick this year and a fifth next year and Jackson’s running wild through opposing secondaries, hot-dogging it all the way to the end zone. Who cares if he throws a tantrum? Not me. He gets too old or lippy and he finds out where Clary’s gone off to.</p>
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<p class="MsoNormal">Just do what you’re supposed to, Chargers. Buy me a stupid Super Bowl. It worked before, it could work again. In the meantime, call me. I have the number to those Cossacks if you need it.</p>
https://www.boltsfromtheblue.com/2014/3/26/5548738/chargers-fan-outreach-guest-opinionJesse Hayner2014-03-18T11:00:04-07:002014-03-18T11:00:04-07:00Can the Chargers build a "dynasty"?
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<figcaption>Ron Chenoy-USA TODAY Sports</figcaption>
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<p>Do the San Diego Chargers have what it takes to be a team for the ages? We'll take a quick look.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Having recently fallen through the world, I have injured my knee. So, obviously, I began to think about what pieces the San Diego <a href="http://www.sbnation.com/nfl/teams/san-diego-chargers" class="sbn-auto-link">Chargers</a> need to build themselves into a dynasty that will stand the test of time. If I had not dropped through the earth, I would have thought more about how Vladimir Putin looks disturbingly like Dobby the House Elf from the Harry Potter movies.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>The Chargers need a young core of elite players. </b>It is very trendy in the NFL right now to follow the <a href="https://www.fieldgulls.com/" class="sbn-auto-link">Seahawks</a>’ model, and rightly so. They have a great group of young players and snappy new uniforms designed, evidently, by the dyslexic brother of the man who designed <a target="_blank" href="http://metrouk2.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/ad126973929british-police-o.jpg">the British police rain gear</a>. What’s not to love? The Chargers have made the first tentative steps in that direction. In fact, if all of the "potential" players or under-performers played to their ability the team would be well on their way to following this model, only with uniforms less likely to cause seizures at high speeds.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>A new stadium wouldn’t hurt.</b> It won’t make the team perform better but it will enable the players to think about the game rather than whether they face dismemberment or death at the whim of falling plaster or irate plumbing. It will also ease the minds of the fans who don’t want to be crushed by rubble or electrocuted by a faulty Filippi’s Pizza Grotto sign on the way to what passes for bathrooms.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>A coach who knows how to get the most out of his players and isn’t afraid to cry would help.</b> Bill Belichick had his tear ducts removed around the time his excitability glands ruptured and were replaced by the Snarkiness 3000 automatic hostility machine, but I’m sure he would cry if he could. McCoy has done a decent job in his first year, but there’s a long way to go. I worry about John Pagano, to be honest, in this regard. I’m sure the man knows how to cry, but can he really get the most out of his players and put them in a position to succeed? I have no idea. He knows more than me about defense but probably less about the mating habits of the Red Sided Garter Snake. Seriously, look it up, Those snakes are just nasty.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>A team also needs an owner who’s not afraid to spend money.</b> Judging by the fact the Chargers are consistently in the top 10 teams as far as salary cap spending I don’t think that’s much of an issue. What could be an issue is Mark Fabiani. Mark’s probably a great guy but he’s been the "stadium point man" for going on 12 years now. What does he do? I mean, honestly? What? For a stadium point man to go on twelve years with no stadium seems kind of like someone’s become a milk man. If I were to hire someone to produce something for me and they failed to do so I would think, especially after 12 years, maybe something was amiss. At least we know Spanos has patience. He kept A.J. Smith around long after he’d become jaded and bitter like a pit viper on anabolic steroids and he kept Norv around even though Turner grew more puzzled after each game.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>A good quarterback is a necessity.</b> <span>Russell Wilson</span> is a decent quarterback, Joe Montana was great for years and <span>Tom Brady</span> has fantastic hair, but do the Chargers have a dynasty quarterback? Well, even though the team recently lost the founder of football in <span>Charlie Whitehurst</span>, El Capitan is good, too. Although he’s not getting any younger, he’s still not half-robot like <span>Peyton Manning</span>, so there’s that.</p>
<p>Do the Chargers have what it takes to create a dynasty? I have no idea, I never watched the show. But they do have the makings of a team on the rise and, unlike the <a href="https://www.milehighreport.com/" class="sbn-auto-link" style="background-color: #ffffff;">Denver Broncos</a> who have mortgaged the future for Peyton Manning’s quest for a second ring, things are looking like they will keep improving.</p>
https://www.boltsfromtheblue.com/2014/3/18/5518654/can-the-san-diego-chargers-build-a-dynastyJesse Hayner2014-03-11T14:00:04-07:002014-03-11T14:00:04-07:00Whitehurst brings "Football" to America
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<figcaption>Jake Roth-US PRESSWIRE</figcaption>
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<p>Things haven't always been rosy for football. Irrational owners, angry politicians and bizarrely hostile animals have all threatened the game we love and hope non football fans will come to appreciate. In this second part of the saga we examine football's exodus to America.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><i>A History Lesson for Non-Football Fans:</i></b></p>
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<li><a target="_blank" href="http://www.boltsfromtheblue.com/2014/3/5/5469902/a-history-lesson-for-non-football-fans-part-1-charlie-whitehurst">Part 1: Charlie Whitehurst</a></li>
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<p class="MsoNormal">Things were going rather well for football in its native Sweden when, in 1747, things began to change. At this point, there were six teams. Things had been gradually progressing and there was joy until the Oskarshamn Holdup Persons under owner Alfred Davisham decided to move the franchise to Hagfors. This wouldn’t have been much of an issue except he then declared all towns in Sweden were the Holdup Persons’ hometown and demanded income from them all. When the other teams disagreed he decided to carry out the 18<sup>th</sup> century equivalent of a lawsuit. Loading eight longboats with particularly fearsome fans, heavily tattooed cheerleaders with their very eyes pierced and a thoroughly annoyed wolverine he set out to plunder every city in Sweden.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Unfortunately, despite the money he spent on the longboats he fired his shipwright in mid construction and took over building duties himself. All was going well, the coastal raiding party was approaching its first target when the ships abruptly and dramatically sank, having been held together by only a few well-chewed pieces of bubble gum, some deceitful Scottish tape, and Mr. Davisham’s hopes alone. When pieces of the longboats and bedraggled, overly muscled cheerleaders suffering from ‘Roid rage began washing up on shore, the King himself took an interest in football.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As unbecoming as it was the King fell in love with the game and, after growing his hair long, joined one of the franchises, declaring himself the quarterback. This wouldn’t have been an issue had the King not been 86 years old and fascinated by snakes. Upon seeing the animal helmets, the King ordered a massive python brought to him from the southern climes. Before the first play of the game, the King placed the giant reptile on his head and began to hobble out to the field. It was then things took a turn for the worst as the snake took it upon itself to begin devouring the elderly ruler. The reptile didn’t seem to care about the 15 meter penalty for a blow to the head the referees called on it, nor even the threat of a 25000 seashell fine. The irrational beast simply continued, much to the horror of everyone except one fan in the cheap seats that became "that guy"(coincidentally a Holdup Persons fan) and cheered, thinking it part of the spectacle.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span>Charlie Whitehurst</span> knew the game wasn’t long for Sweden as the king’s son would be displeased by his father’s consumption by the hateful reptile and, fleeing with his team and all the equipment he could muster, he and his teammates left Sweden for the promise of a fresh start in the New World. The other teams were quick to follow suit and, soon they had set the prows of their vessels westward. As the shores of Europe disappeared from view behind them and the teams reached the open water the Holdup Persons’ boat disintegrated, sending everyone into the icy waters of the North Atlantic. The other teams were glad to be rid of them, especially after Alfred signaled that, despite his ship vanishing beneath his feet, he was claiming all cities in the New World as his own.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Through storm surges, heaving waves and several attacks by roving packs of sea otters Mr. Whitehurst guided them to the golden shores of America. As the boat glided onto the sandy, tropical beaches of Maine Charlie Whitehurst stepped ashore, hair flowing behind him. He sunk a flag he’d made of a shield with the letter WFL (Whitehurst Football League)emblazoned on it into the sand and turned to the frightened and bewildered new immigrants behind him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Here we shall begin anew!" He declared in a booming voice. "Here our game will grow. We will not return to the Old World until NFL Europe and even then, most people won’t notice or care. I have spoken and so shall it be." All who heard his words fell to their knees, wept, and gnashed their teeth. They knew it was true. Football had come home at long last.</p>
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<p class="MsoNormal">Next time football becomes America’s sport of choice and pharmacy companies use its popularity to begin selling erectile dysfunction medications.</p>
https://www.boltsfromtheblue.com/2014/3/11/5484684/a-history-lesson-for-non-football-fans-part-2-the-new-worldJesse Hayner2014-03-10T13:00:05-07:002014-03-10T13:00:05-07:00My Draft Advice to Tom Telesco. You're Welcome
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<figcaption>David Banks</figcaption>
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<p>I have won the Super Bowl 22 times in a row so I'm not some noob with no idea what he's doing. This goes out to Mr. Telesco. Just remember me in your Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Having just completed my 23<sup>rd</sup> year in Madden 2006 franchise mode with all rosters helpfully updated I feel I am in an excellent position to evaluate what the <a class="sbn-auto-link" href="http://www.sbnation.com/nfl/teams/san-diego-chargers">Chargers</a> should do in free agency and the draft. (I won’t use the more modern versions of Madden because that would mean going to the living room where the XBOX is and I refuse to do this unless on my way through to the kitchen for coffee. I prefer using the computer and, besides, I don’t know how to cheat as well on the newer versions.)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I have successfully led the Chargers to 22 <a class="sbn-auto-link" href="http://www.sbnation.com/super-bowl">Super Bowl</a> championships in 23 years (I tanked the first one to get a higher draft choice) and so I feel my opinion should count for quite a bit. After much consideration, I have decided to lend my expertise to Chargers GM Tom Telesco. Oh, just so you know, Mr. McCoy, you will retire in seven years having nothing left to accomplish. You’re welcome.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">First off, if you find yourself needing a great player, make one! That’s right. I would recommend making a player with your own name. That way you, Tom Telesco, can watch your creation, number 26 T. Telesco running wild through the opposing defense like a beast. Don’t worry about it if you make a super character with 99s all the way down the board. You are the boss!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Obviously, the next step is learning how to cheat if you haven’t figured this out, yet. For some bizarre reason NFL teams will always accept a trade of your first round draft pick for theirs. I haven’t had my own first round draft choice in 22 years, but I’ve had the <a class="sbn-auto-link" href="http://www.sbnation.com/nfl/teams/oakland-raiders">Raiders</a>’ draft choice 9 times, the <a class="sbn-auto-link" href="https://www.dawgsbynature.com/">Browns</a>’ 6 times, the <a class="sbn-auto-link" href="https://www.musiccitymiracles.com/">Titans</a>’ 3 times and the <a class="sbn-auto-link" href="https://www.dailynorseman.com/">Vikings</a>, <a class="sbn-auto-link" href="https://www.windycitygridiron.com/">Bears</a> and <a class="sbn-auto-link" href="https://www.bucsnation.com/">Buccaneers</a> choices once apiece. The important thing to keep in mind about this is it’s too late to do it now unless you can bilk the <a class="sbn-auto-link" href="https://www.acmepackingcompany.com/">Packers</a> out of Aaron Rodgers. The teams won’t trade with you after the offseason starts unless you give them Rodgers and at least a third round draft choice. So, trade this choice before the end of the trading window to someone with a much worse record than yours. Important to note, DO NOT TRADE TO THE PATRIOTS! They will always pull out enough wins to screw you out of the number one pick. NE Coach (Bill Belichick because he wouldn’t let Madden use his name) is like 116 years old now and hasn’t had the number one pick, yet.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What would be ideal is to contact the NFL and tell them to do away with the trade deadline. So long as you trade with a team before the playoffs start they still give you their first round pick for yours, even if they are 0-16 as the Raiders have been four times. Please be advised that if you allow relocation so you can replace the rotting husk that is Qualcomm; the Raiders will quickly become the Mexico City Road Dogs or something similar. Do not be alarmed by this, as a Raider by any other name is still a Raider.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The second step is to get rid of players over 34 unless they’re quarterbacks or safeties. Not many people care how fast a quarterback can run if you have a good line and safeties just really have cool names so shouldn’t be discarded readily. Once you’ve done this; sign young players for seven years. You can get them dirt-cheap and develop them behind stars until they, themselves, become stars. Be careful, however, with this strategy, as you do not want to sign three left guards as I did. No one needs that many left guards. However, the tendency is to push it as far as it’ll go so I understand if this happens.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When you draft, please see the second step. Let a computer draft for you. Before the teams sign their picks go through the list of fresh-faced rookies and see all the good ones. Once you have made your list utilize Einstein's theory of Special Relativity to go back in time before the draft. This will save you a ton of frustration because, let’s be honest, the damn scouts are just friggin’ useless at talent evaluation. They tell you "oh, yeah, draft that TE there. He’s a beast." If you listen to them, you will have a 5’10" tight end that weighs 356 pounds and couldn’t catch a cold in a CDC testing facility. To hell with them.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Once you have redrafted your rookie class do not sign them! This is important. If you sign them they will want to be paid like a real player (rookie wage scale hadn’t been introduced, yet). Release the rookies! Allow them to fly free and just move on to the free agency period after the draft. I know what you’re thinking and you shouldn’t worry. All will be clear soon.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">During the first part of free agency sign all the best players, whether you need them or not. Importantly, do not sign safeties or tight ends. You can’t trade a safety or tight end for anything, even a 52 year old place kicker. I know, I’ve tried. <span>Adam Vinatieri</span> will never retire, by the way. I don't know why. He just won't. If the free agent is young enough, sign him to a seven year deal! Don’t worry, the last four years of the contract don’t mean anything. You can rework the contract and bring their numbers down. But, and here’s the important part; if you sign a great player you don’t want or need, only sign them to one year deals and do not give them a signing bonus! This is bad. It may cost you more in cap space but they’re easy to dump later.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Also, do not be afraid of other teams signing your free agents. Time stops when you have made your offer and if you give them enough they won’t stray. This leads me back to your rookie class. Once free agency restarts after the draft, sign them all! They won’t want much of anything because, hey, they’re rookies! You can get a top notch player for a pittance. 7 year contracts all around, baby!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The last piece of advice is this: remember all those pricey free agents you signed when free agency started that you didn’t really need or want? Unload them all! That’s right, trade them to crappy teams for their first round picks. They will be happy to do this because they don’t know any better and you will have the first 6 picks in the draft.</p>
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<p class="MsoNormal">If you follow my advice you, too, will win the Super Bowl 22 years running and Al Michaels will be singing your praises, even well into his 90s. I’m sorry you can’t retire in seven years like Mike McCoy but, hey, who cares if you keep winning, right?</p>
https://www.boltsfromtheblue.com/2014/3/10/5484872/the-chargers-draft-and-free-agency-advice-to-tom-telesco-youre-welcomeJesse Hayner2014-03-05T13:00:02-08:002014-03-05T13:00:02-08:00A History Lesson for Non-Football Fans: Part 1
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<figcaption>Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports</figcaption>
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<p>Maybe with some coaxing football can surpass Ferret Legging as the world's most popular sport. Here is the first part of a guide to help those who remain uninitiated get excited about the offseason.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">This time of the year is the most exciting for football fans as hope springs eternal their team will add those pieces to the puzzle that either keep them in contention or add them to the mix as <a href="http://www.sbnation.com/super-bowl" class="sbn-auto-link">Super Bowl</a> hopefuls. But what about non-football fans?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Judging by the fact more people watched the Super Bowl this year than actually exist there aren’t many non-fans. However, for those pockets of resistance, are they excited about the possibilities the off-season bring? Perhaps if they understood what this time of year was all about they might be. So, in the spirit of helpfulness I will attempt to explain this most joyous time of the year for the non-fan. (Of course, if you’re on this site this may not apply to you.)</p>
<h5>First, a little history about the game itself...</h5>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span>Charlie Whitehurst</span> invented football in 1674 near Borgholm, Sweden as a means of using the discarded clipboards lying around his grandfather’s shop. Over the years, many changes have taken place to the game Mr. Whitehurst invented. While initially played in loincloths exclusively by men with flowing locks and impeccably trimmed beards, football was forced to adapt because it gets cold in Borgholm and no one was comfortable with grown men running around mostly nude smacking each other with clipboards.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Pads were quickly added as the boards left painful welts that not even Helgi, the local alchemist, could make go away. Shortly after the pads, uniforms were added so teams could identify each other and have runway fashion shows during half time. (Half time, coincidentally, was invented as a way to have these fashion shows, contrary to what the Pepsi commercial maintains. Oddly enough, the Marstrand Two Legged Reindeer, the precursor of today’s <a href="https://www.bucsnation.com/" class="sbn-auto-link">Tampa Bay Buccaneers</a> lost every show.)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Helmets were added after Bjorn, the local blacksmith joined the league. Bjorn had been horribly scarred in a freak curling accident involving a caribou and six tubs of bacon grease. To hide his hideous visage, the coach of the team he was on, Charlie’s Valkyries, tossed a bear head on Bjorn. The other players and teams liked it so much they all went to get bears and hogs and even, in the case of one enterprising player, a massive fjord salmon.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Gradually, the clipboards became less interesting to use as weapons and the idea was put forth to have players throw and carry a balled up hedgehog. This proved to be untenable as the hedgehog did not care for this arrangement and the spines were painful. Eventually, a ball was introduced without the spines but the man responsible for the ball was mostly blind and the object ended up more of an egg shape than round. No one wanted to hurt his feelings so they just left it that way. It also added to the amusement level when the ball bounced unpredictably and struck someone in the groin.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Whitehurst, in a show of protest against the changes to his game, refused to give up the clipboard and, to this day, you can see him stalking the sidelines, luxurious hair flowing from under his baseball cap, beard immaculate, eyes ablaze with the knowledge that the game he invented now sells more beer than any other sport in the world except competitive darts.</p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><i><b>Next time:</b> Football takes a quantum leap forward, hoping to get back…home.</i></p>
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https://www.boltsfromtheblue.com/2014/3/5/5469902/a-history-lesson-for-non-football-fans-part-1-charlie-whitehurstJesse Hayner2014-03-04T09:30:01-08:002014-03-04T09:30:01-08:00Chargers Look to Unknowns for Situational Help
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<figcaption>Harry Engels</figcaption>
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<p>The Chargers don't feel they're scraping the bottom of the barrel with this trio of unknowns. After all, everyone was unknown at one point or another.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Peoria, Il. – The <a href="http://www.sbnation.com/nfl/teams/san-diego-chargers" class="sbn-auto-link">San Diego Chargers</a> signed 36-year-old Owen Williams, a local web designer, to a 1-year incentive-laden contract today and Cindy Bertrand a 38-year-old ad executive to a 2-year contract based on their pro days.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I thought I ran really well today," Ms. Bertrand said shooting a withering glance at her children. "I’m 5’4", but I’m 120 pounds of hate."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I don’t know what a ‘pro day’ is," Mr. Williams muttered, shaking his head. "I mean, what does it do? What is its purpose? I fell down. Did you see that? I don’t run unless something’s chasing me and I fell down and I think I skinned my knee."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Rub some dirt on it, you baby," Ms. Bertrand snapped, slapping the distraught web designer upside the head. "See? All hate."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Yeah, Bertrand ran a pretty decent 4.4 40 and was just a beast on defense. I figure with Williams, well, we’ll just line him up on the line on punts and let him get in the way," Chris Hobbs, a college scout for the Chargers said. "I mean, hell, Williams is 5’11 522 pounds. All he has to do is take up space, basically, and try not to pass out. Maybe if he can stop crying long enough, we’ll use him on short yard situations on offense to fall forward."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I think I can help the defense and special teams," Ms. Bertrand said, moving deftly to the right and tackling one of her two small children who had been running wild. "I mean, look at that; clean tackle, and shoulder lead. That’s what I bring every time. Good form."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I think I’m going to throw up," Williams wheezed. "I have a raid tonight on Rift and I can’t be late. There’s this gorgeous High Elf rogue from Greece that thinks my voice is sexy and I can’t be late. Will I be late? I’m the tank. I can’t be late."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Also invited to participate when camp opened later this year was John D. Shwartz, 74, of Kinderhook, Il. "I was in the Navy!" Mr. Shwartz yelled, pointing incomprehensively to his crotch when asked if he was excited about the opportunity to try out for the team.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"<span>Peyton Manning</span> is like, 642 years old and made mostly of advanced robotics," Mr. Hobbs said with a shrug. "I figure if the Donkeys can haul his desiccated hide out there every Sunday, a genuine American Hero deserved a shot at making the club."</p>
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https://www.boltsfromtheblue.com/2014/3/4/5462292/chargers-look-to-unknowns-for-situational-helpJesse Hayner2014-03-03T11:00:02-08:002014-03-03T11:00:02-08:00An exclusive interview with Mike McCoy
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<figcaption>Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports</figcaption>
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<p>San Diego Chargers head coach Mike McCoy (kind of) sits down for an exclusive one-on-one interview with BFTB's Jesse Hayner to discuss Ken Whisenhunt, and his aggressiveness on fourth down.</p> <p><i>The following article is satirical and in no way representative of the San Diego Chargers, Mike McCoy, or reality. All quotes referenced are fictional, made up for the sake of humor.</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">San Diego – Mike McCoy, head coach of the <a href="http://www.sbnation.com/nfl/teams/san-diego-chargers" class="sbn-auto-link">San Diego Chargers</a> sat down recently with this reporter to discuss the season that was and look forward to the season to come.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Though generous enough to allow me to interview him in his home I was forced to sit on a very metal folding chair that looked as if it were made for a child while he hauled a giant throne-looking chair from a back room and set it on a raised platform, making him appear to be nearly 20 feet tall. Evidently he had prepared well as each time he spoke there was a peal of thunder from the speakers hidden in the dark recesses of the ceiling and smoke billowed all around him from a series of portable smoke machines.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Thank you for allowing me to interview you and, of course, allowing me into your home," I began as politely as I could.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Yes," he replied as thunder roared and smoke billowed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"How do you think your first season as Head Coach went?"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"We made the playoffs."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Yes, well done on that, by the way. Not many people gave the Chargers much chance at the start of the year to make the playoffs."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"We did," McCoy’s amplified voice took on a hysterical pitch and he was forced to adjust the sound on the microphone hidden in the chair.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I see," I replied. "Unfortunately Ken Whisenhunt was lured away to the <a href="https://www.musiccitymiracles.com/" class="sbn-auto-link">Titans</a>. How do you think that will affect the team this year."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"It won’t," McCoy’s booming voice echoed through the room. To my right his Yorkshire terrier soiled itself and fainted in a pool of its own urine.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Is your dog ok?" I asked with concern, glancing over at where the animal lay.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Yes. They’re skittish."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Ah," I wasn’t so sure but it was, after all, his dog. "So there were some concerns going around about your aggressiveness on fourth downs. Or, more to the point, the lack thereof. Any comment to the fans who think you’re being too conservative on fourth down?"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"It is part of the system," McCoy shouted, pieces of plaster falling around me as the thunder rolled and the smoke became roiling banks all around him. <span>"I will make the decisions I feel are best in the situation we’re in. It’s in the system. Everything is part of the system."</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Oh," I replied. "Oh, my. Ok. Any thoughts on next year?"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"If everyone buys in to the system we can go far. Have a drink." A strange, misshapen dwarf appeared at my elbow, holding a jeweled goblet of glowing blue liquid out to me expectantly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Um…"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Drink." McCoy repeated. Taking the goblet in my hands I sipped at it gingerly. Suddenly the world seemed to explode and all was dark.</p>
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<p class="MsoNormal">I awoke an indeterminable time later with a throbbing head and sat up gingerly. The dwarf had rummaged through my pockets and taken my cash and keys. As I staggered back through the growing murk of dusk I realized that the Chargers hadn’t been conservative on fourth down at all and the system was good.</p>
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https://www.boltsfromtheblue.com/2014/3/3/5459626/an-exclusive-interview-with-chargers-coach-mike-mccoyJesse Hayner