Orlando, FL – In a move that was not wholly unexpected, the National Football League today announced a series of moves that will ban any outward show of joy, anger or, in fact, any emotion at all. The new rules were implemented Thursday at the NFL meetings here at Walt Disney World Resort.
"We want our players to be pumped," NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said from the podium at the Disney’s Polynesian Resort Hotel, dressed festively in a suit and tie and leather sandals. "We want players to be able to go into ‘beast mode’ while on the field. We simply don’t want them to show any outward sign of this mode."
"How did this all come about?" A reporter seated near the fruit punch fountain asked.
"Well, the competition committee had taken the day to see the sights and were all on Space Mountain when they saw one of the coach’s trains pull in and while most coaches were flushed and ebullient, there were several that seemed nonplussed and, in fact, rather bored. I think Bill Bellichick is really an inspiration for us all. It was at that moment the Competition Committee realized what they needed to do. So, effective immediately, all outward signs of emotion are summarily eligible for a penalty."
"What kind of penalty will there be?" Another reporter queried, seemingly perplexed as he attempted to negotiate the multiple straws sticking out of his virgin daiquiri.
"15 yards for unsportsmanlike behavior for a first offense," Aiello replied, "followed by removal of a digit for each subsequent violation." Silence descended on the room, only broken by the distant strains of a genuine Caribbean band playing Jimmy Buffett’s "Cheeseburger in Paradise" from the island in the center of the resort.
"Loss of a digit?" A reporter suffering from multiple mosquito bites and blown up like a beach ball asked from the front row.
"Yeah," Aiello replied with a disarming smile. "We call it the eye for an eye and a finger for a f*** rule."
In other news, following the NFL’s announcement, San Diego Chargers Quarterback Philip Rivers today announced his retirement, stating only he didn’t want to play with his children using stumps.