A History Lesson For Non-Football Fans: Part 2, The New World

Jake Roth-US PRESSWIRE

Things haven't always been rosy for football. Irrational owners, angry politicians and bizarrely hostile animals have all threatened the game we love and hope non football fans will come to appreciate. In this second part of the saga we examine football's exodus to America.

A History Lesson for Non-Football Fans:

Things were going rather well for football in its native Sweden when, in 1747, things began to change. At this point, there were six teams. Things had been gradually progressing and there was joy until the Oskarshamn Holdup Persons under owner Alfred Davisham decided to move the franchise to Hagfors. This wouldn’t have been much of an issue except he then declared all towns in Sweden were the Holdup Persons’ hometown and demanded income from them all. When the other teams disagreed he decided to carry out the 18th century equivalent of a lawsuit. Loading eight longboats with particularly fearsome fans, heavily tattooed cheerleaders with their very eyes pierced and a thoroughly annoyed wolverine he set out to plunder every city in Sweden.

Unfortunately, despite the money he spent on the longboats he fired his shipwright in mid construction and took over building duties himself. All was going well, the coastal raiding party was approaching its first target when the ships abruptly and dramatically sank, having been held together by only a few well-chewed pieces of bubble gum, some deceitful Scottish tape, and Mr. Davisham’s hopes alone. When pieces of the longboats and bedraggled, overly muscled cheerleaders suffering from ‘Roid rage began washing up on shore, the King himself took an interest in football.

As unbecoming as it was the King fell in love with the game and, after growing his hair long, joined one of the franchises, declaring himself the quarterback. This wouldn’t have been an issue had the King not been 86 years old and fascinated by snakes. Upon seeing the animal helmets, the King ordered a massive python brought to him from the southern climes. Before the first play of the game, the King placed the giant reptile on his head and began to hobble out to the field. It was then things took a turn for the worst as the snake took it upon itself to begin devouring the elderly ruler. The reptile didn’t seem to care about the 15 meter penalty for a blow to the head the referees called on it, nor even the threat of a 25000 seashell fine. The irrational beast simply continued, much to the horror of everyone except one fan in the cheap seats that became "that guy"(coincidentally a Holdup Persons fan) and cheered, thinking it part of the spectacle.

Charlie Whitehurst knew the game wasn’t long for Sweden as the king’s son would be displeased by his father’s consumption by the hateful reptile and, fleeing with his team and all the equipment he could muster, he and his teammates left Sweden for the promise of a fresh start in the New World. The other teams were quick to follow suit and, soon they had set the prows of their vessels westward. As the shores of Europe disappeared from view behind them and the teams reached the open water the Holdup Persons’ boat disintegrated, sending everyone into the icy waters of the North Atlantic. The other teams were glad to be rid of them, especially after Alfred signaled that, despite his ship vanishing beneath his feet, he was claiming all cities in the New World as his own.

Through storm surges, heaving waves and several attacks by roving packs of sea otters Mr. Whitehurst guided them to the golden shores of America. As the boat glided onto the sandy, tropical beaches of Maine Charlie Whitehurst stepped ashore, hair flowing behind him. He sunk a flag he’d made of a shield with the letter WFL (Whitehurst Football League)emblazoned on it into the sand and turned to the frightened and bewildered new immigrants behind him.

"Here we shall begin anew!" He declared in a booming voice. "Here our game will grow. We will not return to the Old World until NFL Europe and even then, most people won’t notice or care. I have spoken and so shall it be." All who heard his words fell to their knees, wept, and gnashed their teeth. They knew it was true. Football had come home at long last.

Next time football becomes America’s sport of choice and pharmacy companies use its popularity to begin selling erectile dysfunction medications.

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