Two Minutes Of Hate: Houston Texans

Thomas B. Shea

It's kind of difficult to make fun of a place that's already known as the anus of Texas, but we'll give it a shot.

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Well, it's that time of year again. The NFL season is underway, and the NFL has once again decreed that San Diego Chargers fans get to wait until Monday night (and a late start at that) to see their team compete. This has also had the unfortunate result of forcing you all to wait until today to get your weekly dose of hate.

The Chargers' first opponent this season is the Houston Texans, and that's unfortunate for several reasons. The first reason is that a Wade Phillips–coached defense is a cruel way to test out the new look offensive line. The second, more important reason is that I don't like making fat jokes because they're tired and lazy1. Unfortunately, the most distinguishing characteristic of Houston is apparently that its people are all morbidly obese. That's not so much a joke as it is a statement of depressing fact. (I'm not going to let that get me down, though, and I'm not going to lose an opportunity to post a picture of everyone's favorite Houston Texans cheerleader.)

The next biggest trait associated with Houston is that it's sickeningly hot and humid. That's a rough combination with the morbidly obese thing they have going on, but I guess the barbecue is just that good. I'm told2 it's the kind of place where the typical lunch conversation is what to have for dinner. In their defense, I guess eating is one of the easier things to do indoors.

Houston is also home to terrible traffic and crime, making it essentially Los Angeles without all of the beautiful scenery and beaches (y'know, reasons for putting up with the traffic and crime). Hey, maybe they're eating so much to cope with the depression of living in Houston?3

Getting away from the home of the Texans for a moment, we can focus on the franchise itself. Each of their home contests this season has a theme. That's cute, I suppose. Most of them aren't that interesting, but one of them is simply delightful. On December 1, they play host to the New England Patriots and they're calling it homecoming. Good one, marketing department. You're supposed to schedule a team you can beat for homecoming, not one that's going to run you out of your own stadium. It's not as though they lacked for options. The home game before New England is the freaking Jacksonville Jaguars (y'know4, that team that lost 28-2 to the lowly Kansas City Chiefs).

The Houston Chronicle famously declared that Houston was Choke City in 1994 after their former football franchise, the Oilers, lost a playoff game they had led by 32 points. Take a minute to remember and savor that memory, Chargers fans. At least your team never did that. And while Houston would go on to lose the Oilers to Tennessee5, their replacement has certainly been able to live up to their standard of choking.

Here's to hoping the Texans can manage an early season choke tonight when they take on the vastly inferior San Diego Chargers. I mean, it's Monday Night Football, so maybe the pressure will take its toll on Kubiak's loveable bunch of chokers. Also, I'm a little bummed we might not get to see Ed Reed doing his best "Johnny U plays for the Chargers" impression as he "old-mans" his way around the field for a second rate team like the Texans. Oh, and hey, is Michael Vick's backup still the quarterback?

As I often do at the end of these, I'd like to apologize for the quality of my work and assert ever-so-sincerely that I'll try to do better next time. At the very least, I'll try not to accidentally delete my work the night before then be forced to rewrite in the morning before my actual job.


  1. Like most Houston residents, most likely.
  2. One of our newer writers, SDNativeInTX, is from Dallas and as much of a pit as Dallas is, he tells us Houston actually makes him miss being home.
  3. That totally makes sense. Now, I feel bad (not really).
  4. Parenthetical y'knows probably aren't going to become a habit, but I make no promises.
  5. How awful does a city have to be to make moving to Tennessee look like a good idea? I guess they don't call it the "anus of Texas" for no reason. Also, I originally wrote this post about the Titans. The joke was rubbing in the fact that their team moved away, but most of you are dumb and I didn't think you'd get it.
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