"How to Cheer", by the U-T San Diego

I am not a Norv Turner apologist. This is indisputable and you'll have to trust me. But when a "journalist" writes an article suggesting fans should root against the Chargers and Norv Turner then it's time to REACT.

Is the U-T trolling us? Considering the U-T did admit to such tactics, in the name of promoting discourse, when they threw George W. Bush into their rankings of the top five U.S. Presidents, it's a likely possibility.

But if the U-T is going to play with us then there's little harm in us doing the same. It's Week 1. Let's have some fun.

I bring you With Norv Turner, fans win if Chargers lose ~ by a guy who apparently writes for the U-T

Your children's names are LaDainian, Antonio, and Bolt.

During story time before bed I read a book called Bolt. It's about a famous Hollywood action star canine who gets separated from his owner but after a series of adventures finds his way home. It's a kids book. My wife can't understand why I read it to her.

In January of 1995, your car was stolen and your wife cheated with your boss, but you still consider it the greatest month of your life.

It was my father. But go on.

You are the universe's biggest Chargers fan, and after watching their season end in Week 17 the past two years, you are screaming to anyone within earshot "Playoffs or bust!"

All any fan really wants is a shot at the playoffs. It's what AJ Smith wants. It's what I want. I've yet to convey this sentiment audibly for the neighborhood to hear but it's all about the postseason. Playoffs. Playoffs? Yes. Playoffs.

But here's the buzzkill, big guy -- with Norv Turner as your head coach, you should be hoping for bust.

Wait a minute. For 17 weeks during the fall and winter I subject my liver to the effects of alcohol and rot my guts out eating Frito Lay bean and cheese dip . . . and now you're telling me I should want the Chargers to lose on top of it all? I hate my liver and my intestinal track so why not go for the entirety of my being. Tell me more, U-T scribe.

For San Diego, making the postseason would only lead to a postponement. The Chargers playing in January would just mean that Turner would be back in August.

What is the date in January where this hypothetical Chargers season ends? Because if it's the Superbowl then I'm all good . . . oooh . . . the Superbowl isn't in February again is it?

At some point, this team has to lose the man that can't quite figure out winning. But a trip to the playoffs would likely stall that much-needed shakeup.

You know how a coach in the NFL gets your team to the playoffs? Let me impart some much needed wisdom: He does it by winning. If the Chargers go to the playoffs that means they won games . . . but don't go trying to tell me that Norv figured out how to win. Take your crazy talk elsewhere.

Did you know that Turner has coached the most games of anyone in NFL history with a losing record? His 107 wins, 113 losses and one tie in the regular season are the ultimate ode to mediocrity.

If we subtract Norv's stint in Oakland his career record would stand at 98-90. Isn't it reasonable to strike from the record any coach's tenure in Oakland post-2002 under Al Davis? Of course it is. But not Layne Layla Lane Kiffin.

Did you know that of the 28 coaches to have won a Super Bowl, none has a career losing record? The closest is former Jets coach Weeb Ewbank, who owns a mark of 130-129-7.

This statistic is telling. It tells me that a coach can win a Super Bowl despite a crappy career record. It also suggests that your team will tie a lot of games if you employee a crappy kicker. Sometimes the kicker f*cks you. Ask Norv and Marty. Better yet, go ask Bill Belichick.

Football isn't like baseball or basketball, where a coach or manager can sit in his limousine hot tub and let talent drive him to a title. We can't say for certain whether Phil Jackson and Joe Torre were geniuses or simply beneficiaries of Herculean rosters.

Can we say for certain that Weeb Ewbank was a genius? Of course we can. Barry Switzer? Also brilliant. F*cking brilliant actually.

But with all the schemes, formations and players on the field, a successful football coach almost has to be a virtuoso. It's why Bill Belichick can go 11-5 with Matt Cassel at quarterback, and why the Patriots keep returning to the Super Bowl despite the incessant turnover of Pro Bowlers. This hasn't happened with Turner, who peaked with a 13-3 season in 2009 and has been tumbling down the mountain since.

Bill Belichick: Genius. I wonder how Bill Belichick felt watching the Norv Turner led Chargers play two postseason games during that 2008 season. Even a "virtuoso" can use a little luck from time to time.

In his first season as the Cowboys' offensive coordinator, Turner transformed an offense that ranked 26th in points, 28th in yards, and 25th in first downs the year before, to one that ranked seventh, ninth, and eighth, respectively. The man sees linebackers the way Bobby Fischer saw bishops. Norv is just a lot more gracious in victory.

Chess references. Too highbrow. Not smart enough to continue reading.

Unfortunately, there is little correlation between grinning and winning. And while injuries, crunch-time turnovers and questionable personnel moves all factor into the Chargers' recent shortcomings, you can't overlook the resume of a man who has coached in 231 games but never The Big Game.

Statistically speaking there aren't too many coaches who have coached in The Big Game. Statistics also show that Omega-3 fatty acids will turn your prostate into a God damn juggernaut. In that way a powerful football team is like a healthy prostate. Whoever gets the BFTB beat writer position should ask Norv about this.

So if you're a true Bolts devotee, you should be praying for a seldom-updated win column. If there's a scrum following a fumble, you should instinctually point in the other team's direction.

Use your instincts. Root against your team you damn fool. Don't half-ass it. Go buy Raiders gear now. Wear it to church. Let people know where you stand, Judas.

Norv isn't going to lead this group to its first Super Bowl, so why prolong it all another year? It's like when NASCAR driver Greg Biffle was asked if he was disappointed that he missed the Chase a few years back, and he basically replied "well, it's not like we were going to win the thing anyway."

Nascar references. I feel like I've been invited back to this well written article that may or may not have once appeared on Bleacher Report. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Look, it's karmically unjust that gruffs like Gregg Popovich and Nick Saban can rack up multiple championships while Turner's vacation always starts sooner than desired. He's the nice guy you really do want to see finish first.

As an armchair Buddhist, Karma can be a tricky thing. I wonder how it works when you decide to cheer against something you love. When I cheer against my daughter during soccer games I feel f*cked up. But I never tell people what I'm doing. Maybe that's the trick. Cheer quietly. Mentally. A 17 week long inner-monologue of Charger loathing.

So root for Norv to find happiness. Root for him to find his groove. Root for him to find success in a way that keeps him one of pro sports' friendliest figures.

Do we do this on Saturdays before the Chargers play or do we wait until Mondays?

Just not this year.

The Superbowl will be played next year. Good work U-T San Diego.

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