Two Minutes Of Hate: Kansas City Chiefs

Tom Szczerbowski - Getty Images

In which Richard tries to make up for the awful joke he made last year by instead focusing on the humorless jerks (KC fans) that were offended.

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Holy crap, you guys. It's that special time of year again where we poke fun at the Kansas City Chiefs as the Chargers prepare to play them on Sunday. The reason it's a special time is that the Chiefs are not just a division rival with a rabid fan base, they're a division rival with a fan base that is not only humorless* but also incredibly sensitive.

This combination is incredibly frustrating if you're trying to have an honest conversation with them, but luckily that's not what we're trying to do here. And thank goodness because believe me when I tell you, you don't want to try to have a serious conversation with Chiefs fans. There are a lot of reasons for this, but I'll just give you the highlights:

  1. It's really difficult to get Chiefs fans to stop fornicating with their cows** long enough to even have a worthwhile talk with them.
  2. Chiefs fans are among the dumbest people*** you'll ever encounter, so you're forced to use small words to convey simple ideas and that's just a big pain in the ass.
  3. They root for the Chiefs, so you just know there's something wrong with them on a deeply personal level.

Just kidding, Chiefs fans. Please don't think I'm lumping you in with truly awful people like Broncos fans, Raiders fans, or God forbid, Chargers fans****.

As for the actual Chiefs, I find them more difficult to hate than usual this year. I think it's mostly because of Scott Pioli. His attempt at turning KC into Patriots (Mid-) West by acquiring every still–barely usable spare part not good enough for New England to keep has been and continues to be a joy to watch.

I used to be afraid when the Chargers would travel to Arrowhead (even when the Chiefs were bad) because that place is an architectural masterpiece. The fans are practically right on top of the players and how are they supposed to concentrate with those Deliverance casting–call rejects breathing down their necks? These days, though? The Chargers aren't even good this year and I'm barely even worried about @KC on the schedule. Thank you, Scott Pioli. You're a prince*****.

Matt Cassel is somehow still their quarterback despite playing like Matt Cassel on a pretty consistent basis for years now. That's good comedy and I appreciate such things. I was afraid this offseason that the Chiefs would replace him with Peyton Manning, but thankfully that didn't come to pass because I'm enjoying the experiment of "how many good players can we surround this mediocre QB with and still fail?" Good on you Chiefs fans for putting up with this joke for the sake of science. You're good people, I don't care what I said about you earlier.

One last thing, though. Eric Berry's at best the second best free safety in the AFC West. Anybody that says otherwise is a charlatan. Go Bolts!******

*True story: if you make an insensitive, morally questionable, not all that funny in the first place joke about how one of their idols died they won't even crack a smile. It's sad.

**Seriously, I don't know how they can justify their actions. "Moo" means "no," Kansas City. Also, it seems rude to then add insult to injury by butchering them and preparing them as second–rate barbecue.

***Don't worry about them getting upset by that because they can't read.

****Honestly, though, you guys know I hate you the most. Right?

*****By all accounts he's more of a loathsome bastard than a prince, but that's splitting hairs in my opinion.

******That's for John and those jackasses on Reddit.

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