That Did Not Look Athletic is a weekly series where we look at some of the least athletic plays during the previous week's Chargers game. This series is meant to give us a few laughs by showing that even the best athletes in the world have their moments of shame. It's also a reminder that you aren't as big of a loser as you thought you were because you punched at a tether-ball and fell down in front of a bunch of 3rd graders.
Last week I shared my tether-ball story as a means to kicking off this series. What I didn't share with you, good reader, is that prior to the Chargers - Raiders showdown I had another embarrassing athletic escapade when I took the field for a 6pm softball game.
I really only have two rules when it comes to softball:
- Don't look stupid while batting.
- Don't bleed.
More batting and bleeding after the jump.
[The following paragraphs are not necessary to read -- save me the shame and skip ahead to the GIFs]
In my experience, the first objective is fairly easy to achieve as long as you stay back on the ball. The second objective is far easier because bleeding requires the softball player to do something asinine. Asinine actions on the softball field include sliding into a base or diving for a ball in the infield. Softball doesn't mean enough in my life to be sticking to my dress slacks the next day because my skin is trying to regenerate. Therefore rule #2 is never violated.
Now that I've set this up for you let me detail how my manhood dissolved within a matter of 5 seconds. Losing by 17 runs and thinking only of ending the game so I could get home and see the Chargers play, I ripped a line-drive to LF. Rule 1 followed. Then in a moment of hubris I decided to take an extra base whereupon my opponent proceeded to hit the cut-off man, who then fired a perfect relay to 2nd base. At that point I was forced into a drastic action: Save face by offering up an attempt to slide.
It was the worst slide ever. I did a weird rotation which led to my knee cap making three points of contact in the dirt and consequently opening three separate wounds. I dragged my left hand as well. Blood. My right elbow. Blood. Right elbow? I don't even know how I dragged that part of my body through the coarse infield.
It was all a very pathetic moment for this former athlete. But this isn't about me. It's about how badly these National Football League players looked.
Let the redemption begin!
Randy McMichael: "Good afternoon. I think you're a little b*tch. Allow me to place my hand on your face to prove it."
Titans DB: " OK. Can I swipe at the ball as we run out of bounds? You know, tryin' to save face with my team."
Randy McMichael: "What ever turns your crank, little buddy."
Personally, I'm feeling better already. Face. Saved.
Whether it's baseball or football back pedaling is a cardinal sin when trying to catch a ball. Titans TE, Taylor Thompson, did not get the memo.
I love Philip Rivers but sometimes I think he's trying to corner the market on the least athletic football movements known to man. At least the Chargers recovered the ball?
Chris Johnson has the ability to make Donald Butler look like a complete chump on this play, yet when it's all said and done, Chris Johnson's stats are eerily similar to my slide into second base -- brutally pathetic, in an "Oh My God Did That Really Just Happen?", sort of way.
Chris Johnson reinforces my happiness that The Sons of Canepa, an aborted 2012 fantasy football team, never made it to the draft this year -- I know I would have ended up with him as my featured back.
In Witherspoon's defense I think he has an injury of some sort but it still doesn't change the fact that I could grab more of the rim on a basketball court than he could. And that warms my soul.
Remember when Nate Kaeding blew out his knee last year? Do you know why it happened? It's because he's a GODDAMN kicker! Kickers aren't even athletes so this GIF has no business making you feel better about yourself, you loser!
It is a pretty funny sight though. Watch Nate get turned around. Then watch him get rolled up like a solitary pin fighting for survival against two bowling balls thrown by an inebriated Red Sox fan at the Gaslamp Tavern and Bowl. Freakin' kickers. And Red Sox fans, for that matter!
This was a great play to end the game. Titans TE Craig Stevens makes the grab and before he even takes a breath, OLE! Atari Bigby flies by like a heat seeking missile launched by a Predator Drone assembled in Tijuana. Game over!
Wheww! Not gonna lie . . . I 'm feelin' better.
I played softball this last Monday night. No blood.