Two Minutes Of Hate: Oakland Raiders

Thearon W. Henderson - Getty Images

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It's that time of year again: Raider Week. Luckily for the authorities* in the city and surrounding county of San Diego this week's game takes place in Oakland, home of the aptly named black hole. For those of you daring enough to venture North to enjoy the game in person, I'd like to remind you to wear your stab proof** vest.

Last year's TMOH: Raiders asked the question, "have you or anyone you know ever been stabbed by a Raiders fan?" A truly astounding 100% of the 72 respondents voted "of course." This should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with the Raiders and their thugs fans. I'm consistently impressed by how many Raiders fans buy tickets to and attend games. You'd think the terms of their probation would prevent them from associating with other known criminals***.

I'd be remiss if I failed to reiterate my sadness at the passing of Al Davis. This rivalry just isn't the same without him and not just in the sense that the Raiders are probably going to field better teams less prone to stupid penalties. I'm also going to miss his stupid catch phrases and his glorious track suits****.

Recently I've noticed a trend where Los Angeles based Raiders fans talk a lot of trash to Chargers fans about how the Raiders get two home games against the Chargers each year. This is ridiculous for a couple reasons:

1) Part of the reason Chargers fans avoid the Raiders game is because of the degenerates, gang members and general "stabbing enthusiasts" that migrate South from L.A. for the game.

2) Football fans from a city that has lost multiple pro football franchises because they can't support their team probably shouldn't be commenting on the enthusiasm of other cities' fans.

3) Mostly though, when your fandom originated as a fashion statement***** you have no standing to comment on the quality of other fan bases.

Finally, I'd like to take a moment to remind you all that not everyone wearing Raiders gear is a gang member or even (God forbid) a Raiders fan. It's entirely possible that they're wearing the silver and black as a cry for help. So, the next time you come across a 30 year old man wearing Raiders apparel, instead of instinctively hiding your daughters and/or farm animals, take a minute out of your day to find out if the guy is just trying to get someone to offer to teach him to read. You'll be surprised how often this is the case. Roughly 30% of adults wearing Raider hats, shirts, etc. are just illiterate people looking for help.

*"Authorities" in this context is code for "people that own goats."

**It's worth noting that there are no truly stab proof vests. There are "stab resistant" vests, but they're far from impenetrable.

***Oh, well. I guess that's California for you.

****Maybe now that he's dead some of the fans that dress up like zombies will rock track suits. You guys should totally do that.

*****Raiders fans are such tools.

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