Unlike a Nate Kaeding Field Goal

SAN DIEGO, CA - SEPTEMBER 11: Kicker Nate Kaeding #10 of the San Diego Chargers is attended to by a member of the medical staff after suffering a leg injury against the Minnesota Vikings during the first quarter at Qualcomm Stadium on September 11, 2011 in San Diego, California. The Chargers defeated the Vikings 24-17. (Photo by Jeff Gross/Getty Images)

This is my obligatory, "Hello, nice to meet you, I'll do my best not to waste your time unless it's absolutely necessary" introduction post. So hello, how's it going?

That was uncomfortable. Let's try something else. How about a short story?

In January of 2007 I melted down. It was a Sunday. The day started well enough. The daughter had been baptized in the morning but by the afternoon things had taken a turn. The favored Chargers, coming off a 14-2 regular season, had lost to the New England Patriots in the Divisional round of the playoffs.That game was the trigger that set in motion a desire to write.

I didn't know what a blog was at the time so I wrote e-mails. They were long Chargers related diatribes filled with hyperbole, humor, and hate for the New England Patriots. None of my thoughts were founded in reason. Fanatics don't reason. Fanatics come undone at the seams. Undone. It's a terrible state of being. In an effort to restore balance I used humor and I wrote a lot over here.

So what can I possibly bring to the table, here at BFTB? It's a fair question to be asked. Let's try to work through this.

"I'd hate to be there when the laughter stops" ~ Roger *

Where to start. Alright, I won't be bringing any statistical analysis to the BFTB table. I don't really do statistics. I attempt to write the funny, which of course, is entirely subjective. Let me try to explain the direction of my posts using some percentages:

  • A.) 50% will be completely rooted in satire.
  • B.) 20% will be Chargers history and the appreciation thereof.
  • C.) 20% will be media commentary/criticism.
  • D.) 5% will be a combination of A and B.
  • E.) 5% will be a combination of A and C.
  • F.) You won't remember this post so these percentages are meaningless. And I wouldn't abide by them anyways.

Here's my promise: I will attempt to infuse humor 98% of the time.

When it comes to humor, as I mentioned earlier, it's fairly subjective. For every person that loves Dane Cook there's another who wants to light him on fire. If you want to make people laugh you have to throw a lot of sh*t against the wall -- then you see what sticks. I've been told that I'm funny about 64% of the time, which I consider a fair amount of value added laughter to a piece of writing.

Unfortunately, right now you're thinking, "So I have to listen to you fail at being funny 34% of the time."

Look I'm not perfect. There's definitely room for improvement. Think of me as a couple ticks above Nate Kaeding in the playoffs. When the Chargers lost to the Patriots in the AFC Championship game after the 2007 regular season the Bolts scored 12 points, all on the boot of Nate Kaeding. The guy was a perfect 4 for 4! But nobody talks about that because the Chargers lost. Chargers fans think about Kaeding's last playoff game against the Jets when he went 0 for 3. I was there in the east end zone at the Q for an up close look at his first shank. It was brutal.

My point is that Nick Norv Norf Nate Kaeding's Field Goal percentage in the playoffs is 53.3% yet he still has a job. Prediction models suggest that I will continue to enjoy success as a writer almost 11% more of the time than Nate Kaeding does on the field. And he gets paid $2M annually. I'm doing this for free! Think of the value!

There's also the part about Nate Kaeding's post season field goals and their ability to induce nausea and violent diarrhea. My writing doesn't do that to the human system. Because you are an evolved member of the species you can just skim over what you don't care for when I post something here at BFTB. You can't skim over a Nate Kaeding FG attempt in the playoffs. I've tried and it doesn't work.

There's also the fact that I'm only going to write here once a week, maybe twice if they'll let me. That means I'm hurling clever sh*t against the wall less frequently. My Sh*t /Wall /Stick rate should show improvement as I write with more focus.

In all seriousness, being a sports fan in San Diego is a trying pastime. But what I've found over the last five years is that with a little bit of levity we can all survive it.

Thanks for having me.

***

* There's a quote placed up at the jump from a guy named Roger. Roger was a shrink played by Fisher Stevens on the show "Friends." He appeared in season 1, episode 13, titled "The One With The Boobies".

Fisher Stevens was and continues to be a wormy looking dude. But he dated Michelle Pfeiffer so there's that.

The character of Roger spent his time analyzing Phoebe's friends. His harshest criticism was for Chandler who used humor as a defense mechanism because his father was a transvestite. After analyzing Chandler he said, "I'd hate to be there when the laughter stops."

That phrase has remained in a state of motion within my brain for years. In conclusion:

  1. We can't let the laughter stop, lest people see how messed up we fans really are. And by "we" I mean "me". I'm not prepared to pass judgement on any of you.
  2. Unless I can work in a reference to Rolling Stone magazine covers from 1996 I promise that I'll never again mention "Friends" in any BFTB story I write.
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