That Did Not Look Athletic is a weekly series where we look at some of the least athletic plays during the previous week'sgame. This series is meant to give us a few laughs by showing that even the best athletes in the world have their moments of shame. It's also a reminder that you aren't a complete loser just because you punched at a tether-ball and fell down in front of a bunch of 3rd graders.
I had a great idea for how I would start the return of TDNLA and then John Crean became a first time father and I threw the idea out the window along with the baby and the bath water (inappropriate pun intended).
You see, I congratulated Crean, and he responded with this:
What the hell does that mean? You think I can't make this about your baby daughter? Actually he's right. Have you even seen a baby, you freaking animals? They're far more pliable than a gold medal winning gymnast. Babies are the very definition of athletic. Baby Creanium gets a pass until a date uncertain.
I'm certainly not going to make Mrs. Crean the subject of this week's TDNLA. A woman's ability to deliver human life into a nasty and brutish world far surpasses what Jeromey Clary gets credit for doing on a weekly basis. No, I won't make Mrs. Crean the focal point of this week's TDNLA.
This is about the proud papa. Crean is at the epicenter of this week's TDNLA! I can picture him in the hospital right now . . .
Crean hovers over the newest addition to his world. He looks like a bear cradling this tiny life form. But Crean is not yet a fierce Grizzly. He is but a frightened bear, unsure of his surroundings and his aptitude for cub rearing.
Afraid that he might drop her at any moment, he spreads his legs slightly more than shoulder with to give himself an athletic base. But he does not look athletic. The fear of fumbling his daughter causes him to move with uncertainty. He's all hands and elbows as Mrs. Crean watches over the two, who slowly begin to bond.
Crean is tired. But he is proud. The daughter has survived his inexperienced grasp and there is hope that her first day in this world is a harbinger of great things to come.
As day nears its end, the time has come for the first diaper change. Crean does not know what to do. None of us ever do. But it is the father's obligation to change that first diaper as the wife slowly recovers from the unsportsmanlike conduct perpetrated upon her by God.
Crean prepares himself. Armed with a surplus of wipes the young father prepares for battle. His legs are weary from a long day of awkwardly carrying his cub but he is not deterred. He sets a fresh diaper next to the young one and prepares to undo the child's soiled clothing. OH MY GOD!!!!!!
Crean has never seen anything like it. His face cringes. His nostrils flair. His look of horror is reminiscent of Ryan Mathews' face when the young back put the ball on the ground as he prepared to enter the end zone against Atlanta.
Recoiling like a punter under duress, Crean angrily questions his maker: "Good God! What has come out of this child?"
This folks, is called meconium. It looks like a pint of Guinness gone bad and Crean has survived it. He didn't look good doing it but style points never count against new fathers.
Welcome to the world Baby Crean.
Grab a pint and let's do some TDNLA!
This play stands out but I'm not exactly sure of the commentary I should settle on. Maybe you can help in the comments.
This play by Danario Alexander reminds me of playing Madden on Sega Genesis during the 1990s*. Remember the days when you wanted to be the Detroit Lions so you could also be Barry Sanders? Yeah. That was great.
The key to a solid running game was mastery of the "B" button so you could spin your way out of tackles. It was the "B" button, right? I would push the "B" button like 20 times and it was usually far in advance of getting tackled. Danario Alexander . . . I think he hit the "B" button early on this play. But it kind of worked. And it looked cool too.
Cam Thomas is like Corey Liuget in that he is a massive man with a massive a**. The fact that he's a football player, by default, makes him athletic. But when a large human bends over it just doesn't look right. It doesn't look good either. And then his belly gets in the way and he kicks the football. What am I talking about? This looks awesome!
Philip Rivers' hands HATE late snaps. I need to watch more of Philip's press conferences so I can dial in his southern vernacular. I think there's gold in there.
Philip Rivers under pressure late in the game with an opportunity to lead the Chargers to a come from behind victory only to be thwarted by . . . pressure. Strip. Fumble. Game over.
This, my fellow fans, is the story of our lives. Get the T-Shirts printed!
No blackout this week. Good? Bad? Enjoy!
*F*ck that sounds old.
**I have no idea what this links to other than the address will send you to YouTube. TDNLA almost made it back last week so this post has been waiting on the back burner for a bit of time. Click it and enjoy. Maybe.
The "That Did Not Look Athletic" Archives
Legal hiatus . . . sorry