That Did Not Look Athletic is a weekly series where we look at some of the least athletic plays during the previous week'sgame. This series is meant to give us a few laughs by showing that even the best athletes in the world have their moments of shame. It's also a reminder that you aren't a complete loser just because you punched at a tether-ball and fell down in front of a bunch of 3rd graders.
I can take nice pieces of paper, crumple them into balls of perfection and then let 'em rip from any part of a room towards the trash can. My range is the moment I walk through a door. I'm not saying I make every shot but my percentage is solid -- I'm like the non-NBA version of Adam Morrison with the paper-rock in hand. I am an athlete.
This parcel of truth makes what I'm about to share extremely difficult. If you give me something lightweight and plastic, (the straw wrapper to a Capri Sun for example) I will miss the shot even when I'm standing directly over the trash can 9 times out of 10. I look like Manute Bol missing a slam-dunk and the worst part is -- everyone just saw it. The audience stares with accusatory eyes, scornfully judging me: "Did he just seriously miss the trash can when he was standing over it?"
Yes I did!
Throwing away plastic related items is another ball game all together, folks. Subtle currents of wind will divert that piece of plastic trash and before you know it you're bending over to pick up your miss.
So what's the answer in this situation? You have to make adjustments -- it's what any athlete does. So on your next trash-shot you account for these hidden currents and BOOM! You've* missed it a second time!
*I've turned this in to a second person narrative to obfuscate the reader. I apologize. I need to be accountable for my poor trash-shooting.
This is all too embarrassing. Let's just look at the GIFs for Week 4 when the Chargers traveled to Arrowhead Stadium.
Really, Norv? You think the referees just blew a call and this is how you toss the challenge flag? I expect more. Be more fiery!
Maybe Eric Winston was expecting Jamaal Charles to chip Shaun Phillips as he left the backfield on his pass route. I don't know why I'm making excuses for Winston. Phillips just made him look like he's wearing concrete shoes.
No you didn't, Jamaal Charles! Did you see that? That was a hair-flip. It was subtle but it was definitely a hair-flip and by an NFL running back, no less. Coming from the AFC's rushing leader I find this unacceptable.
Ryan Mathews. Whooosh. Right through the bread basket. Did he get credit for a fumble since the pass went backwards? Bench him!
Remember how we heard the name of Antonio Gates and Eric Berry throughout the first half? Eric Berry is a really nice player but he just kept getting beat. On this play he got abused by the future HOFer. This is how I envision Betty White playing in coverage.
This is a very athletic move by Chiefs PAT holder/punter Dustin Colquitt. He looks like a whirling dervish trying to get that terrible snap down for Ryan Succup before finally giving a desperation heave into the end zone. But look at Succup. Look at his approach to the ball and then his attempt to run a pass route. That is a 6' 2", 218 lb, man. A 6' 2", 218 lb, un-athletic man.
We've focused all week on the spectacular plays by Donald Butler but lost in the shuffle on this play was Chiefs tight end, Tony Moeaki. This was not a good pass by Matt Cassel but come on, man! The ball hit both of your hands. And then Moeaki compounded the problem with that weak somersault. Not impressed.
Part two of Donald Butler's great interception return is all about Melvin Ingram. And Chiefs tackle, Branden Albert. Albert is 6' 5' and 315 lbs and he just got lit-up! I wonder what he was thinking before his head hit the turf . . .
Donald Butler rules. And Shaun Draugh drools. Poor guy, say hello to Donald Butler. At what point is this hit legal? Terrible rule.
Oh, God. Antoine Cason is becoming a regular on this weekly feature. I take back what I said earlier about Eric Berry. This is how Betty White would play defensive back.
And Betty White bites on Bowe's double move.
Watch that again. Now appreciate the athleticism of Ryan Mathews to use his palm on the face of two separate would be tacklers. Brandon Flowers and Jovan Belcher . . . you've been emasculated. They should move into an apartment together so they can watch the Notebook in each other's company on Friday nights. Such is the plight of grid iron heroes who fall victim to vicious stiff-arms: mandatory viewing of the Notebook on the weekend.
See you in Week 5. Or sooner . . .
The "That Did Not Look Athletic" Archives