Two Minutes of Hate: The Arizona Cardinals

Two Minutes of Hate is meant entirely in good fun and if you manage to be offended you're probably an idiot.

The first and last time anyone cared about a home team in Arizona was when the San Diego Chargers were forced to play a home game there. And do you know why that is? Of course you don't because like most Americans you don't give a shit about the Cardinals.

But why is that? What is it about them that inspires such apathy? Three words: Tom Tupa, Quarterback (That really happened. Go ahead and look it up. I'll wait.). Now, obviously that's not where the apathy started and it's certainly not where it stops, but it's a great shining example of why it's not only acceptable, but indisputably correct to not give even one hint of a shit about the Arizona Cardinals.

(Can I say shit on the front page? I don't know and I don't care, though in fairness I care more about that than I do about the Cardinals.)

The Cardinals have not been good ever. Their sustained level of irrelevance is almost impressive. Please don't tell me about how they went to the Super Bowl. That was merely an elaborate prank. Don't feel too bad, though. A lot of people were taken in by it.

The closest the Cardinals ever came to approaching relevance was when they signed Emmitt Smith's corpse in 2003 then proceeded to wheel it out onto the field for two seasons while it broke the all-time career rushing mark. This is also one of the premier reasons for hating them, assuming you can muster the energy necessary to feel one way or another about this wasted franchise.

The only other reason to hate them is that they've wasted so much of our collective time. And it's not just by representing a bye in which your favorite team might see one of its players injured, they're also continually the team projected to break out every year. (They were the Texans before the Texans were. The biggest difference between the two is that people actually care about the Texans.) That's right. Nearly every year the so-called experts conspire to try to trick you into caring about a team that it's nearly impossible to care about. If that's not a reason to hate them, well then, there's no reason to care at all.

As is the case every week, I'd like to close by apologizing for the quality of this posting (although I'm sure you all realize I don't actually mean it). Have you ever seen anyone abuse parentheses like this before? And thank you to Jess Root of Revenge of the Birds for that Tom Tupa fact.

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