Two Minutes of Hate: The Dallas Cowboys

I think we can all agree that Wade Phillips is better off not being associated with the ass clowns that surround the Cowboys franchise. (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

Two Minutes of Hate is meant entirely in good fun and if you manage to be offended you're probably an idiot.

When I first set out to write a hateful screed about Dallas, its team and its team's fans, I was at a loss. I have friends in the Dallas area and offhand I couldn't recall anything in particular that I found all that offensive about the Cowboys as an organization. However, I still had a deadline, so I set about looking for inspiration and I found it in the person of Matthew Roth. Roth is everything that's wrong with not only sports, but the world. Despite being a New Jersey native, he's a fan of both the Red Sox and Cowboys. Now, perhaps not all Cowboys fans are as execrable as Mr. Roth, but I'm pretty sure they are.

Being a fan of the Dallas Cowboys doesn't necessarily make you a douchebag, but I'd argue that being a douchebag may very well make you a fan of the Dallas Cowboys. There's a reason that people who come by their Cowboys fandom are unwilling to wear the team colors in public. And that reason is for fear of attracting other Cowboys fans, the vast majority of whom are the sort of terrible human beings that no decent person would ever willingly consort with.

But what is it about the Cowboys that attracts these people? Why are the ranks of their fans so thoroughly infiltrated by the dregs of society? It's not that there's something inherently wrong with the people of Dallas or even Texas as a whole. Many of the worst offenders aren't even from the same state as America's Team. It can't be blamed entirely on the success of the franchise either. Green Bay Packers fans aren't half as insufferable as the average Cowboys fan.

Well, then what is the reason? I contend that it starts at the top. Jerry Jones, the Cowboys' owner, is not only a successful businessman. He's also one of the greatest tools in America. It's only natural that one of the most visible owners in sports would spawn a legion of fans equally as dedicated to being aggressively distasteful. We've seen it before with the zombie Al Davis and his legion of fans who think every day is Halloween. It's so obvious. You should honestly feel badly about not realizing it on your own.

As will be the case every week this season, I'd like to close by apologizing for the quality of this posting. Though in my defense this week, who can really get worked up about the preseason?

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