Two Minutes of Love: Richard Wade

This is here because I think Richard likes cheerleaders. And Christmas. (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

There's been a lot of bitching and complaining each week about Richard Wade's "Two Minutes of Hate" weekly post that run on Fridays. He has been heavily criticized for them, as have I for allowing him to post "such garbage". To those people, I want to say "Stop trying to ruin a good thing, you mouth-breathers*."

Richard's posts are the highlight of my week, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let a couple of humorless jerks take that beacon of light away from me. I gave up smoking recently because I want to live longer but, if I give in to the soccer moms and deny myself a guaranteed Friday afternoon chuckle, what's the point of living longer? I'd just go back to smoking, but that would mean everyone is a few years closer to Zach running BFTB. You do not want Zach running BFTB.

After the jump, I will show you haters the error of your ways. I present, for the first and probably last time, Things That Made Me Laugh: The Two Minutes of Hate Edition.

But why is that? What is it about them that inspires such apathy? Three words: Tom Tupa, Quarterback (That really happened. Go ahead and look it up. I'll wait.). Now, obviously that's not where the apathy started and it's certainly not where it stops, but it's a great shining example of why it's not only acceptable, but indisputably correct to not give even one hint of a shit about the Arizona Cardinals.

(Can I say shit on the front page? I don't know and I don't care, though in fairness I care more about that than I do about the Cardinals.)

From the Cardinals' Edition of TMoH, this post made me laugh three times. The first was at the Tom Tupa reference, because it's hilarious that Tom Tupa was their starting QB. It's still funny. The second was Richard asking if it was okay to say 'shit' on the front page after saying it for the second time. Not the first time, the second time.

The third time I laughed was at the poll, in which Richard got an amazing 100% of the vote to hate the Arizona Cardinals.

 

The worst part of their three Super Bowl victories in five years wasn't even the fact that it gave us Spygate (and Spygate was a painfully boring controversy). The worst part was that it roused their abhorrent fan base awake enough to take time out of their busy lives to remind everyone that Boston isn't just about its legendary racism. It's also about being home to the most obnoxious sports fans outside of Los Angeles.

If you don't laugh at the mention of Boston's legendary racism, you're racist. Oh, and my favorite line from the Patriots' Edition of TMoH is this one:

Belichick locked his keys in the car? He's clearly playing chess while other head coaches are playing checkers.

 

My hatred of the Chiefs isn't limited to the product on the field, though. Their attempts to be the New England Patriots of the Midwest, though largely fruitless, have been entirely obnoxious. Starting with the hiring Scott Pioli, Kansas City has attempted to acquire every New England castoff it could get its hands on. I believe they actually hung a sign on the door that reads, "Not good enough to play or coach in New England? Welcome to Kansas City. Our barbecue isn't the only thing that's second rate." One stupid hiring/signing begat another. Each one made New England look better than it did before and it's not like the amount of love directed the Patriots' way wasn't already unbearable.

Not only did the Chiefs' Edition of TMoH include a horrible joke the BFTB has still not apologized for (seriously though, we should, but we won't!), but it includes the word "begat" and makes fun of Kansas City barbecue, which is lousy.

I can't wait for the next time the Chargers play the Chiefs, because it feels like Richard kept all of his Todd Haley jokes in his pocket on the first go-around.

 

I tried to ignore the talk to write it off as being just a rumor, but it was persistent and then on April 22 it became real. John Fox had made the official decision to kill fun by naming Kyle Orton his starter. "How could he do this?" wailed John Crean. "How could he bench my lord and savior?"* It was a reasonable move and one to be expected of a legitimate NFL head coach, but taking away our chance to watch Tim Tebow embarrass himself by trying to play quarterback in the NFL is unforgivable.

The Broncos' Edition of TMoH has it all. It makes fun of Tim Tebow, as well as Creanium's love for Tebow (who should be called Tim Teblow from now on, according to a typo I just made). 

In the next paragraph, Richard goes on to criticize Teblow for doing a terrible Charlie Whitehurst impersonation. Charlie Whitehurst is my heterosexual kryptonite.

 

Many of these fans are the same people who think that if the Chargers would just run the ball more they'd win more. Much like in the case of mistaking Vaughn Martin for the superior defensive end, they will point to statistics that "prove" their case. "Look, you guys, when we run X number of times we're undefeated." Congratulations, geniuses, on letting us know that you don't understand statistics any more than you understand football.

Idiot fans are the worst, even when they're idiot Chargers fans. I love how quickly Richard put the "RUN MOAR" argument to bed in the Chargers Fans' Edition of TMoH.

What, you might wonder, is it about this particular segment of the fan base that inspires such feelings? It's a lot of different things, but mostly it's the way they parrot the inane talking points of the Paul Mahans*** and Chris Ellos of the world while ignoring any and all facts that contradict them.

Did you know that Lee "Hacksaw" Hamilton's name is actually Paul Mahan? It's true. His name is Paul Mahan. The nickname inside of his nickname becomes even funnier when you realize this. The only way that story could be any better is if his name was Hamilton Lee or John Gennaro**.

 

So there you have it. Not only is Two Minutes of Hate*** not going away, I will remain its biggest fan until Richard inevitably does "Two Minutes of Hate: Bolts from the Blue". Until then, you can point you bitching and complaining about this series elsewhere.

 

*When you read Richard for a long enough period of time, you will start referring to people as "mouth-breathers". It's inevitable.

**My name is John Gennaro. I may need to choose an instrument used in a high school shop class as a nickname one day, but that day is not yet here.

***I still have no idea why Richard chose to title the series "Two Minutes of Hate". It's probably an MMA reference or something. NFL > MMA.

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